Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts

Delivered from hell


I was looking through my old journals and found this dream I had written down from 2005 that I had completely forgotten about:

Our stake was doing an activity based on the Plan of Salvation, and I was part of it, as a member of the angelic choir that sat in rows of fold-down chairs in front of and facing the stage.  The beginning of the activity featured three different movies depicting the plan of salvation, but to drive the point home even further, a live pageant was to be performed for the audience. 

At the dress rehearsal (the only rehearsal the choir ever had with the rest of the cast), I sang our best the pieces written for the heavenly choir and watched the pageant actors with interest.  The story of Adam and Eve was told first, starting with the Garden of Eden and ending with their partaking of the fruit.  When we got to the scenes after that, the ones featuring Satan and Christ, the director said we’d be skipping those scenes in the dress rehearsal.  A feeling came over me that those scenes with be very important to me, but I shrugged it off. 

The evening of the activity went well.  The movies were mildly interesting, if a little repetitive.  The pageant itself went smoothly, and before I realized it, we were up to Satan’s first scene after the Fall of Adam. 

As the actor playing Satan delivered his monologue, the choir sang a wordless tune in a minor key, softly at first but then rising into a crescendo as Satan reached the climax of his speech, ranting and raving like a madman.  My angelic song turned into shrieks of horror as Satan lunged at me and grabbed me.  I was not expecting this.  With me in his icy-cold clutches, he flew through the air toward the back of the room with the help of stunt ropes. As he threw me into the pit of hell behind the audience, reality seemed to fade away. Darkness seemed to engulf me, and the snake-like Satan laughed and laughed as my misery grew apparent.  I started to weep and wail uncontrollably, feeling like I was doomed to spend eternity in the misery of hell. 

Just when I was about to give up hope, a light started shining through the impenetrable dark, and I saw Christ flying toward me.  He took me in his arms and flew me far, far away from the pit of hell, toward a world of light filled with angelic singing.  I continued to cry, but they were tears of joy as well as sorrow, because I knew that while I had been weeping in hell, He had been atoning for my sins and dying for me so that He could come rescue me.  Finally, we reached our destination, and as He let me go, I collapsed into a heap at his feet.  All I could think of was that He had delivered ME, personally, from Satan’s grasp.  I stayed there, on my knees, for what seemed like forever, but eventually reality returned, and I realized that the pageant was over.  As I got up from my knees, I understood the feeling I had had during the dress rehearsal: those scenes left me with the deep impression that Christ knows ME personally and loves me so much that He bore my sins and died for me so that He could save me from death and hell.  It was a feeling that I never wanted to forget.

Giving my burdens to Jesus

Many times in my life I've heard people offer someone the advice "give it all to Jesus."  "Give your problems to Him."  "Give your worries to Him."  I had no idea what that meant or how you did that.  Google wasn't terribly helpful.

Eventually I tried to imagine how He would respond if I confessed I had no idea how to give Him my burdens.  The response I came up with was, "You just ask Me. Ask Me to take it, and let go of it.  Stop worrying.  Trust Me."  A scene came to mind.  He was kneeling in front of me with an open backpack I had been carrying that was filled with stones.  He handed me each one and asked what problem, worry or fear it represented.  I told Him what it was and asked if He would take it from me.  He said yes, and took each one from me until my backpack was empty.

So now when I have a burden, I imagine myself holding a stone with Jesus standing in front of me.  I say, "Jesus, I'm worried about ________________.  Will You take this burden from me?"  He says yes and takes it from me.  I demonstrate my trust in Him by not worrying about it anymore.

I made a list of burdens I've given to Him so I can remind myself what I'm not going to worry about, and so I can see the results as time goes by.  I have been pretty good about not stressing over most of them, trusting them to His care - although on occasion I've tried to take one back, only to have to let go of it again!

My testimony of this concept has been greatly strengthened in the last few months.  I was very worried about a certain confrontation happening.  Twice now opportunities for that confrontation to happen have arisen.  Both times I gave Him the burden and stopped worrying about it (though I did occasionally remind Him I was counting on Him!).  The opportunities were averted both times.  His solutions were far better than any ideas I had come up with own my own.  (And He's probably the only one who could have averted them anyway!)

Now that I have had these experiences, I know for sure that giving Him my burdens is a much better solution than worrying, stressing, and trying to solve my problems myself!  It's better to let go of the anxiety and stress and trust that everything is in His hands.

Forgiving myself: Debating with Jesus in my brain

After attending several Addiction Recovery Program meetings with my addict friends, I was surprised to find out that we had more in common than I thought.

Step 9 is Restitution and Reconciliation.  You're supposed to make restitution to everyone you harmed because of your addiction.  The week we covered that step, when it was my turn to share, I talked about how, like them, I've also done things I don't think I can ever make up for.  I've apologized multiple times but my apologies have never been acknowledged.  I've gone out of my way to serve this person I hurt.  I've done everything I can think of.  One of the guys who shared after me said that he knows what's it's like to feel that way, but you have to move on and forgive yourself, even if the person you harmed hasn't forgiven you.

I'm not on step 9 yet, but today I've been thinking about this idea of forgiving myself.  I know you're supposed to forgive yourself.  But I have plenty of arguments about why I shouldn't!  In fact, I ended up imagining a little debate with Jesus where I argued in favor of not forgiving myself:

Me: I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for __________.

Jesus: Why?

Me: Because I feel like I can never make up for it.  Like I need to suffer for it and always remember what a terrible thing I did. Like if _____ is still suffering the effects of what I did, I should still be suffering.

Jesus: Why should you suffer?

Me: Shouldn't I?  I did something terrible.

Jesus: But you wish you hadn't.  You repented of it.  Repenting doesn’t mean suffering endlessly.  It means changing your heart.  Your heart is different now, isn’t it?

Me: Yes.... I would never __________ again.

Jesus: See!  You’ve changed!

Me: But am I allowed to move on with my life if _____ hasn’t?

Jesus: Absolutely!  There’s no requirement that the person you hurt must forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself, or even for Me to forgive you.  And, by the way, I have forgiven you.

Me: Even though what I did to _____, I essentially did to You?  Even though You felt all that?  How can You forgive me for __________?

Jesus: Because I love you.  Because I understand who you are and what you went through that influenced you to act that way.  Because I want to extend to you as much mercy as I can.

Me: <crickets>

Jesus:  Do you believe My atonement covers all the sins in the world?

Me: Yes...

Jesus: Then why do you believe that you have to suffer?  Why isn’t My atonement isn’t enough to cover what you did?

Me: I deserve to suffer because _____ had to suffer.

Jesus: And at what point have you suffered enough to stop suffering?  At what point have you atoned for what you did?

Me: <crickets>

Jesus: You don’t think you’ll ever suffer enough.

Me: <guilty as charged>

Jesus: (smiling) Perfect.  My atonement covers that!  It covers infinite suffering. Because I love you, I suffered for you so you don't have to!  If you keep suffering, then what are you saying about what I did?  Why should both of us suffer when only one of us needs to - and I already did it?

Me: Are you sure it’s okay to move on? It's okay to stop beating myself up about it?

Jesus: It’s okay! I forgave you years ago.  Please!  Forgive yourself!  Move on!

Me: (pause) I should have known better than to debate with You.  You always outsmarted the Pharisees.

Jesus: (laughing) That's one of the benefits of being omniscient.

Me: <rolling eyes>

Jesus: So you're going to let go of it, right?  Put it in the past?  Stop beating yourself up?

Me: Right.

Jesus: (smirking) I knew you'd say that.

Me: <facepalm>

Atonement Application Program - Introduction

I've mentioned before that I love attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings.  I've heard them referred to as "the best-kept secret in the church" and "the best meetings in the church," and I couldn't agree more.

As I've attended these meetings, I've thought that the twelve principles of the program shouldn't be limited just to the context of addiction.  They are principles for everyone.  I think the reason why these meetings are so spiritual is because they are all about learning to apply the Savior's atonement in your life.  They're about casting off the natural man and becoming a saint.  In a sense, you could call it the Atonement Application Program.  (Alas, I couldn't think of a better phrase that would give it the same initials of ARP.)

I thought it would be interesting to cover the twelve steps of the Addiction Recovery Program, but framing them in the context of casting off the natural man.  Here are the twelve steps:

Step One: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

Step Three: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Step Four: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

Step Six: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.

Step Seven: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.

Step Eight: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Step Nine: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.

Step Ten: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it.

Step Eleven: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.

Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.

I'm Trying to be Like Jesus

I found myself thinking about the Primary song "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" a few weeks ago.  In the past, when I've thought what it mean to be like Jesus, I thought in terms of serving others, keeping the commandments, that sort of stuff.  But then I realized some new ways of being like Him that put the idea in a completely different perspective.

How about being like Him when your friends betray you?

How about being like Him when you're falsely accused of something?

How about being like Him when you're punished for someone else's mistake?

I decided to read through one of the gospels (Matthew - just because it was the first one) to make a list of what Jesus did and what people did to Jesus.

Things Jesus Did:
  • Was baptized by water and the Holy Ghost
  • Fasted
  • Preached repentance
  • Taught others
  • Healed others, even an enemy
  • Cast out devils and unclean spirits
  • Rebuked the winds and sea
  • Forgave sins
  • Discerned others’ thoughts
  • Raised the dead
  • Had compassion for others
  • Endured
  • Lost His life in service to others
  • Refused to defend Himself
  • Fed others physically and spiritually
  • Prayed in solitude
  • Comforted others
  • Encouraged others
  • Corrected false doctrine
  • Quoted scripture
  • Offended others
  • Performed miracles
  • Forgave others
  • Showed generosity to others
  • Praised Father
  • Spoke against the wicked
  • Prophesied
  • Expressed grief
  • Set His mind on things of God
  • Suffered injustice
  • Paid for others' sins
Things Others Did to Jesus:
  • Begged Him for help
  • Touched Him
  • Defended him
  • Worshiped Him
  • Testified of Him
  • Praised Him
  • Anointed Him
  • Expressed gratitude to Him
  • Falsely accused Him
  • Tried to use the law to entrap Him
  • Called Him the devil
  • Questioned His divinity/identity
  • Took offense because of Him
  • Did not believe in Him
  • Betrayed Him
  • Abandoned Him
  • Denied knowing Him
  • Illegally put Him on trial
  • Spit on Him
  • Punched Him
  • Hit Him
  • Whipped Him
  • Rejected Him
  • Laughed at Him
  • Jeered at Him
  • Hated Him
  • Persecuted Him
  • Stripped Him
  • Ridiculed Him
  • Jeered at Him
  • Scorned Him
  • Taunted Him
  • Mocked Him
  • Tempted Him
  • Insulted Him
  • Killed Him
After studying Isaiah, I know that persecution is coming.  We will be tested to see whether we will stand up for our beliefs, for our God, on a level we've probably never imagined.  Being like Jesus will involve persecution, suffering and perhaps even dying as He did.  I'm trying to prepare for this by meekly accepting the small trials and injustices I have in life, knowing that I'm being like Him when I do so.  Suffering injustice is one thing that we will most definitely have to experience in the upcoming tribulations - just as He did when He atoned for our sins.  There is no greater injustice than the pure, holy Son of God suffering the consequences of the sins of the populations of worlds.

Hearing my name

Hopefully by now I've convinced you that I'm no spiritual success story.  I'm not even sure why I'm blogging.  I feel like the blind leading the blind.  But I have had one special experience since my spiritual awakening (more on that in my next post).

Last August I woke up in the middle of the night and had a hard time falling asleep again.  I had recently had a falling out with a friend and was worrying about the situation.  As I was laying in bed thinking, I suddenly heard my name very clearly in my mind. I was very surprised. My previous thoughts had had nothing to do with my name, and I was pretty sure the voice wasn't the same voice I associate with my own thoughts.  It was a male voice, and not a super deep one. "That... was not me!!!" I realized. "That.... was Jesus?!!" I quickly called out to Him in my mind, thinking of Samuel's boyhood experience. No response. I wondered if I was dreaming, but I was pretty sure I was awake - I even opened my eyes to verify it. Soon afterwards, I finally fell asleep.

In the morning, I recorded the experience in my journal, still not 100% sure what had happened. A couple of days later I mentioned the experience to a friend, who confirmed that it HAD to have been Jesus. I was so excited! It was the greatest day of my entire life, the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Jesus spoke to ME! He knew my name! I had gone from having strong faith in Him to feeling like I absolutely KNEW He was there and that He was aware of me and my righteous desires. I couldn't fall asleep that night because I was just so jubilant.

If an experience like this can happen to me, it can definitely happen to you.