Another example of how I'm no spiritual giant:
I volunteer with a nonprofit in my community. The nonprofit holds an LDS Addiction Recovery Program meeting each week for the addicts in their program, which I love to go to. The atmosphere is wonderful and I learn so much about the others in the room and their testimonies - and they have a chance to learn more about me.
One night in January I showed up at the meeting location and found out that the schedule for the night had changed at the last minute. The group was supposed to do a different activity that night, but they weren't prepared for that activity. Someone talked to one of the guys in charge of the nonprofit and he said the volunteers at the meeting should all share what God means to them and what the Church has done for them. This was probably the last thing I wanted to share with the group.
The male ARP facilitator shared his testimony first. I was planning to go after him because I figured I would look less bad if others ended on a high note, but his wife beat me to it. Then the only other volunteer left besides me followed her. As she spoke I knew it was not going to go well for me. She talked about how she feels close to God when she prays, and she feels His love when she prays, and stuff like that. Oh, awkward. I wanted to die.
So then it was my turn. I said I grew up in the church, there were probably 30 Mormon kids [in my grade] in my school but most of them weren’t “good.” The church kept me out of trouble but probably also made me a bit self-righteous. I know the Atonement is real and that Jesus lives. I know God is there. But I don’t have a relationship with Him. I’ve felt His love once but have never felt close to Him. I said I’d completely rearranged my priorities 10 months ago and started engaging in long sincere prayer and meditation and real scripture study. I said I’d removed all worldly distractions from my life so I’m really boring; I don't watch TV like everyone else. (That got some laughs.) I said I figured there had to be something higher than the spiritual rut I was in, and I was going to do all I could to find it. I was totally crying as I talked. Thankfully, that room was a safe space for me to share, even though I didn't want to and still felt completely humiliated.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony!
