After attending several Addiction Recovery Program meetings with my addict friends, I was surprised to find out that we had more in common than I thought.
Step 9 is Restitution and Reconciliation. You're supposed to make restitution to everyone you harmed because of your addiction. The week we covered that step, when it was my turn to share, I talked about how, like them, I've also done things I don't think I can ever make up for. I've apologized multiple times but my apologies have never been acknowledged. I've gone out of my way to serve this person I hurt. I've done everything I can think of. One of the guys who shared after me said that he knows what's it's like to feel that way, but you have to move on and forgive yourself, even if the person you harmed hasn't forgiven you.
I'm not on step 9 yet, but today I've been thinking about this idea of forgiving myself. I know you're supposed to forgive yourself. But I have plenty of arguments about why I shouldn't! In fact, I ended up imagining a little debate with Jesus where I argued in favor of not forgiving myself:
Me: I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for __________.
Jesus: Why?
Me: Because I feel like I can never make up for it. Like I need to suffer for it and always remember what a terrible thing I did. Like if _____ is still suffering the effects of what I did, I should still be suffering.
Jesus: Why should you suffer?
Me: Shouldn't I? I did something terrible.
Jesus: But you wish you hadn't. You repented of it. Repenting doesn’t mean suffering endlessly. It means changing your heart. Your heart is different now, isn’t it?
Me: Yes.... I would never __________ again.
Jesus: See! You’ve changed!
Me: But am I allowed to move on with my life if _____ hasn’t?
Jesus: Absolutely! There’s no requirement that the person you hurt must forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself, or even for Me to forgive you. And, by the way, I have forgiven you.
Me: Even though what I did to _____, I essentially did to You? Even though You felt all that? How can You forgive me for __________?
Jesus: Because I love you. Because I understand who you are and what you went through that influenced you to act that way. Because I want to extend to you as much mercy as I can.
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: Do you believe My atonement covers all the sins in the world?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: Then why do you believe that you have to suffer? Why isn’t My atonement isn’t enough to cover what you did?
Me: I deserve to suffer because _____ had to suffer.
Jesus: And at what point have you suffered enough to stop suffering? At what point have you atoned for what you did?
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: You don’t think you’ll ever suffer enough.
Me: <guilty as charged>
Jesus: (smiling) Perfect. My atonement covers that! It covers infinite suffering. Because I love you, I suffered for you so you don't have to! If you keep suffering, then what are you saying about what I did? Why should both of us suffer when only one of us needs to - and I already did it?
Me: Are you sure it’s okay to move on? It's okay to stop beating myself up about it?
Jesus: It’s okay! I forgave you years ago. Please! Forgive yourself! Move on!
Me: (pause) I should have known better than to debate with You. You always outsmarted the Pharisees.
Jesus: (laughing) That's one of the benefits of being omniscient.
Me: <rolling eyes>
Jesus: So you're going to let go of it, right? Put it in the past? Stop beating yourself up?
Me: Right.
Jesus: (smirking) I knew you'd say that.
Me: <facepalm>
Showing posts with label true confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label true confessions. Show all posts
True Confessions: Core Beliefs
Something I learned about recently is core beliefs. These are beliefs that shape the way you see yourself, others and the world. They usually develop from childhood on. Your brain tends to ignore information that contradicts the belief and focus on information that supports the belief, which makes this belief seem completely true to you. However, unless you've taken the time to discover your core beliefs, you probably don't know what they are.
The good/positive core beliefs you have aren't the problem. You want to find the negative ones that are holding you down. You can learn what your core beliefs are by listing a number of situations from your life that provoked a strong emotional reaction in you. Then ask questions like
I did this exercise with as many recent experiences I could think of and was pretty horrified with the results. Here were the three absolute statements that came up the most.
God won’t comfort me.
Why? Because I’ve asked for comfort and haven’t received it.
Why is that bad? Because it shows He doesn’t care about me.
What does that say about Him? God doesn’t love me.
There’s no point asking God questions because I won’t get answers.
Why? Because I’ve asked questions and haven’t gotten a response.
What does that say about me? I’m spiritually deficient.
I can't recognize the Spirit or promptings.
Why is that bad? Because my salvation depends on it.
What does that say about me? My spiritual progression is stuck.
What does that say about me? I’m damned.
1As usual, no kickbacks.
The good/positive core beliefs you have aren't the problem. You want to find the negative ones that are holding you down. You can learn what your core beliefs are by listing a number of situations from your life that provoked a strong emotional reaction in you. Then ask questions like
- "Why?"
- "What does that say about me/others/the world/my life?"
- "Why is that bad?"
- "Why am I upset about this situation?"
- "Why do I think that?"
I did this exercise with as many recent experiences I could think of and was pretty horrified with the results. Here were the three absolute statements that came up the most.
God won’t comfort me.
Why? Because I’ve asked for comfort and haven’t received it.
Why is that bad? Because it shows He doesn’t care about me.
What does that say about Him? God doesn’t love me.
There’s no point asking God questions because I won’t get answers.
Why? Because I’ve asked questions and haven’t gotten a response.
What does that say about me? I’m spiritually deficient.
I can't recognize the Spirit or promptings.
Why is that bad? Because my salvation depends on it.
What does that say about me? My spiritual progression is stuck.
What does that say about me? I’m damned.
I'm kind of incredulous that I got this far spiritually with beliefs like that obscuring my perspective.
The thing is, I know that at least two of these are false. I've felt God's love for me before, so why do I still not believe He does? I am continuing to progress spiritually; so why on earth do I think I'm damned? (Spiritually deficient - well, we'll see about that one. That's a bit harder to disprove.) This seems to be another "mind knows it but heart doesn't" situation.
The next step is to replace those core beliefs with new ones. Not exactly an easy exercise. My new ones are:
God loves me.
I am spiritual enough. (Yeah, that's kind of lame, but I couldn't think of a better antonym for deficient.)
I am making spiritual progress.
Now my task is to change these beliefs. So far I have three ideas on how to do this.
- Over the next few months, write down all of the evidence I can think of from my life that supports these new core beliefs.
- Every time I get upset about something or have a negative thought, analyze what core belief is behind it, and state forcefully an opposite positive belief.
- Use an affirmation app1 to remind myself over the course of the day what my new core beliefs are.
I'm sure I will be hitting up Google for more ideas in the future, but I figure that's a good start.
True Confessions: The ARP meeting
Another example of how I'm no spiritual giant:
I volunteer with a nonprofit in my community. The nonprofit holds an LDS Addiction Recovery Program meeting each week for the addicts in their program, which I love to go to. The atmosphere is wonderful and I learn so much about the others in the room and their testimonies - and they have a chance to learn more about me.
One night in January I showed up at the meeting location and found out that the schedule for the night had changed at the last minute. The group was supposed to do a different activity that night, but they weren't prepared for that activity. Someone talked to one of the guys in charge of the nonprofit and he said the volunteers at the meeting should all share what God means to them and what the Church has done for them. This was probably the last thing I wanted to share with the group.
The male ARP facilitator shared his testimony first. I was planning to go after him because I figured I would look less bad if others ended on a high note, but his wife beat me to it. Then the only other volunteer left besides me followed her. As she spoke I knew it was not going to go well for me. She talked about how she feels close to God when she prays, and she feels His love when she prays, and stuff like that. Oh, awkward. I wanted to die.
So then it was my turn. I said I grew up in the church, there were probably 30 Mormon kids [in my grade] in my school but most of them weren’t “good.” The church kept me out of trouble but probably also made me a bit self-righteous. I know the Atonement is real and that Jesus lives. I know God is there. But I don’t have a relationship with Him. I’ve felt His love once but have never felt close to Him. I said I’d completely rearranged my priorities 10 months ago and started engaging in long sincere prayer and meditation and real scripture study. I said I’d removed all worldly distractions from my life so I’m really boring; I don't watch TV like everyone else. (That got some laughs.) I said I figured there had to be something higher than the spiritual rut I was in, and I was going to do all I could to find it. I was totally crying as I talked. Thankfully, that room was a safe space for me to share, even though I didn't want to and still felt completely humiliated.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony!
I volunteer with a nonprofit in my community. The nonprofit holds an LDS Addiction Recovery Program meeting each week for the addicts in their program, which I love to go to. The atmosphere is wonderful and I learn so much about the others in the room and their testimonies - and they have a chance to learn more about me.
One night in January I showed up at the meeting location and found out that the schedule for the night had changed at the last minute. The group was supposed to do a different activity that night, but they weren't prepared for that activity. Someone talked to one of the guys in charge of the nonprofit and he said the volunteers at the meeting should all share what God means to them and what the Church has done for them. This was probably the last thing I wanted to share with the group.
The male ARP facilitator shared his testimony first. I was planning to go after him because I figured I would look less bad if others ended on a high note, but his wife beat me to it. Then the only other volunteer left besides me followed her. As she spoke I knew it was not going to go well for me. She talked about how she feels close to God when she prays, and she feels His love when she prays, and stuff like that. Oh, awkward. I wanted to die.
So then it was my turn. I said I grew up in the church, there were probably 30 Mormon kids [in my grade] in my school but most of them weren’t “good.” The church kept me out of trouble but probably also made me a bit self-righteous. I know the Atonement is real and that Jesus lives. I know God is there. But I don’t have a relationship with Him. I’ve felt His love once but have never felt close to Him. I said I’d completely rearranged my priorities 10 months ago and started engaging in long sincere prayer and meditation and real scripture study. I said I’d removed all worldly distractions from my life so I’m really boring; I don't watch TV like everyone else. (That got some laughs.) I said I figured there had to be something higher than the spiritual rut I was in, and I was going to do all I could to find it. I was totally crying as I talked. Thankfully, that room was a safe space for me to share, even though I didn't want to and still felt completely humiliated.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony!
True Confessions: The Visiting Teaching Message: God's Love
Another example showing that I'm no spiritual success story:
The February 2017 visiting teaching message was titled, "Christ's Atonement is Evidence of God's Love." My visiting teaching companion generally was too busy to come with me, which meant I would be teaching by default. This was another message I dreaded teaching. I've spent a lot of time in my life intellectually knowing God loves me, but my heart feeling like He doesn't. I have only felt God's love for me once in my life, despite praying off and on to feel it ever since I was a teenager. I am incredibly grateful for that one experience, but I haven't felt it since. I'm also grateful for that experience so I could at least share a little testimony at the end of my lesson!
When I taught this time, it was super awkward because I had asked someone to come with me that I didn't know very well, and I didn't know the woman I taught very well and wasn't clicking with her at all. Not a safe spot for my confession. But I did it anyway. I don't think either of them knew how to respond. I think my substitute companion asked my visiting teachee when she feels God's love, and she responded that she feels God's love and feels close to Him when she prays. I was kind of dumbfounded. I have never had that experience.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony, and will know in my heart what I know in my head!
My lesson, for the curious...
This month’s visiting teaching message is titled, “Christ’s atonement is evidence of God’s love.”
President Benson said, "No mortal being had the power or capability to redeem all other mortals from their lost and fallen condition, nor could any other voluntarily forfeit his life and thereby bring to pass a universal resurrection for all other mortals.
"Only Jesus Christ was able and willing to accomplish such a redeeming act of love.
"We may never understand nor comprehend in mortality how He accomplished what He did, but we must not fail to understand why He did what He did.
"Everything He did was prompted by His unselfish, infinite love for us."
Unlike the rest of us, Christ wasn’t motivated by duty, glory, honor, or any other worldly reward. He was motivated by His love for you.
In C.S. Lewis’s book “Mere Christianity,” he said, “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only [woman] in the world.”
It amazes me to think that Christ would have atoned just for me. I can imagine Him having enough love to atone for billions and billions of people, but it’s harder to imagine Him loving just me enough to die for.
Several years ago, I went reluctantly to a Relief Society fireside. The woman who spoke had experienced a horrible event as a child, and she testified how she felt God’s love during the event and throughout her life afterwards. At the end of the fireside, I escaped the chapel quickly so nobody could see me crying. As I left, I felt God’s love for me very strongly. I don’t know why that was when God chose to answer my latest round of “do You love me?” prayers, but I was very glad I had chosen to attend that fireside and have that experience, since it is my one experience of feeling God’s love for me.
The February 2017 visiting teaching message was titled, "Christ's Atonement is Evidence of God's Love." My visiting teaching companion generally was too busy to come with me, which meant I would be teaching by default. This was another message I dreaded teaching. I've spent a lot of time in my life intellectually knowing God loves me, but my heart feeling like He doesn't. I have only felt God's love for me once in my life, despite praying off and on to feel it ever since I was a teenager. I am incredibly grateful for that one experience, but I haven't felt it since. I'm also grateful for that experience so I could at least share a little testimony at the end of my lesson!
When I taught this time, it was super awkward because I had asked someone to come with me that I didn't know very well, and I didn't know the woman I taught very well and wasn't clicking with her at all. Not a safe spot for my confession. But I did it anyway. I don't think either of them knew how to respond. I think my substitute companion asked my visiting teachee when she feels God's love, and she responded that she feels God's love and feels close to Him when she prays. I was kind of dumbfounded. I have never had that experience.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony, and will know in my heart what I know in my head!
My lesson, for the curious...
This month’s visiting teaching message is titled, “Christ’s atonement is evidence of God’s love.”
President Benson said, "No mortal being had the power or capability to redeem all other mortals from their lost and fallen condition, nor could any other voluntarily forfeit his life and thereby bring to pass a universal resurrection for all other mortals.
"Only Jesus Christ was able and willing to accomplish such a redeeming act of love.
"We may never understand nor comprehend in mortality how He accomplished what He did, but we must not fail to understand why He did what He did.
"Everything He did was prompted by His unselfish, infinite love for us."
Unlike the rest of us, Christ wasn’t motivated by duty, glory, honor, or any other worldly reward. He was motivated by His love for you.
In C.S. Lewis’s book “Mere Christianity,” he said, “[God] has infinite attention to spare for each one of us. He does not have to deal with us in the mass. You are as much alone with Him as if you were the only being He had ever created. When Christ died, He died for you individually just as much as if you had been the only [woman] in the world.”
It amazes me to think that Christ would have atoned just for me. I can imagine Him having enough love to atone for billions and billions of people, but it’s harder to imagine Him loving just me enough to die for.
Several years ago, I went reluctantly to a Relief Society fireside. The woman who spoke had experienced a horrible event as a child, and she testified how she felt God’s love during the event and throughout her life afterwards. At the end of the fireside, I escaped the chapel quickly so nobody could see me crying. As I left, I felt God’s love for me very strongly. I don’t know why that was when God chose to answer my latest round of “do You love me?” prayers, but I was very glad I had chosen to attend that fireside and have that experience, since it is my one experience of feeling God’s love for me.
True Confessions: The Visiting Teaching Message: Daughter of God
Again, I tell you that I'm nobody important or special in the world. I'm average. In some ways, maybe below-average. Here is a story that proves that point:
The April 2016 visiting teaching message was about how we are daughters of Heavenly Father. Unfortunately, it was my turn to teach the lesson that month. As soon as I saw what the topic was, I dreaded it. I don't really have a testimony that I'm a daughter of God. I logically know it. I've been taught it since I was a child, and I said it every Sunday as a Young Woman. I recently received a blessing where I was told I'm a daughter of Heavenly Parents and I absolutely believe it - at least mentally. But my heart doesn't feel it.
I prayed and prayed the first two weeks of April, "Please, help me know that I'm Your daughter. I need to teach this lesson and I don't have a real testimony of it! Please!" The answer never came.
After teaching my lesson, instead of bearing my testimony of the doctrine, I admitted, "This is something I don't have a testimony of yet. This is something I've been praying off and on about since I was a teenager. But the answer has never come." It was horrible to admit, but my companion and the women I visit taught at that time were three of my best friends in the ward, so it was a safe space to make that confession.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony, and will know in my heart what I know in my head!
My lesson, for the curious:
The Family proclamation says, “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”
Sister Sheri L. Dew gave a great talk in Women’s Conference about our divine identity. She said, “Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do. It affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices. It affects the very way we live our lives.”
I searched for General Conference talks that explain how knowing that we are daughters of God influences our lives and came up with three ways.
#1 - Knowing we are daughters of God gives us self confidence.
James E. Faust said in the 1999 General Conference, “Being a daughter of God means that if you seek it, you can find your true identity. You will know who you are. This will make you free—not free from restraints, but free from doubts, anxieties, or peer pressure. You will not need to worry, “Do I look all right?” “Do I sound OK?” “What do people think of me?” A conviction that you are a daughter of God gives you a feeling of comfort in your self-worth. It means that you can find strength in the balm of Christ. It will help you meet the heartaches and challenges with faith and serenity.”
Sister Dew said: “As we come to understand [our divine nature], we will feel a greater sense of mission and more confidence living as a woman of God in a world that doesn't necessarily celebrate women of God. We will cheer each other on rather than compete with each other, because we'll feel secure in our standing before the Lord. And we'll be eager to stand for truth, even when we must stand alone-for every consecrated woman will have times when she must stand alone.”
I think in today’s world it’s very easy not to feel much self-confidence. We are bombarded from all sides with the world’s ideals of what we should look like, dress like, and act like. If we know we are daughters of God, it’s easier not to buy into those ideals.
#2 - Knowing that we are daughters of God helps us resist temptation.
Elaine S. Dalton shared a story in the April 2010 GC talk that really illustrated this point. She said, “I have always loved the story of the son of King Louis XVI of France because he had an unshakable knowledge of his identity. As a young man, he was kidnapped by evil men who had dethroned his father, the king. These men knew that if they could destroy him morally, he would not be heir to the throne. For six months they subjected him to every vile thing life had to offer, and yet he never yielded under pressure. This puzzled his captors, and after doing everything they could think of, they asked him why he had such great moral strength. His reply was simple. He said, “I cannot do what you ask, for I was born to be a king.”
“Like the king’s son, each of you has inherited a royal birthright. Each of you has a divine heritage. “You are literally the royal daughters of our Father in Heaven.” Each of you was born to be a queen.”
#3 - Knowing that we are daughters of God helps us treat others with love and kindness.
When we know we are daughters of God, we have to acknowledge others are children of God as well, and need to treat them with love, kindness, and respect.
C. S. Lewis said something that I always found rather sobering: “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. … There are no ordinary people. … Your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses” (“The Weight of Glory,” in Screwtape Proposes a Toast and Other Pieces [1974], 109–10).
Confession-about-not-having-a-testimony
The April 2016 visiting teaching message was about how we are daughters of Heavenly Father. Unfortunately, it was my turn to teach the lesson that month. As soon as I saw what the topic was, I dreaded it. I don't really have a testimony that I'm a daughter of God. I logically know it. I've been taught it since I was a child, and I said it every Sunday as a Young Woman. I recently received a blessing where I was told I'm a daughter of Heavenly Parents and I absolutely believe it - at least mentally. But my heart doesn't feel it.
I prayed and prayed the first two weeks of April, "Please, help me know that I'm Your daughter. I need to teach this lesson and I don't have a real testimony of it! Please!" The answer never came.
After teaching my lesson, instead of bearing my testimony of the doctrine, I admitted, "This is something I don't have a testimony of yet. This is something I've been praying off and on about since I was a teenager. But the answer has never come." It was horrible to admit, but my companion and the women I visit taught at that time were three of my best friends in the ward, so it was a safe space to make that confession.
I won't give up. I'll continue to ask. Someday I will have that testimony, and will know in my heart what I know in my head!
My lesson, for the curious:
The Family proclamation says, “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”
Sister Sheri L. Dew gave a great talk in Women’s Conference about our divine identity. She said, “Our spirits long for us to remember the truth about who we are, because the way we see ourselves, our sense of identity, affects everything we do. It affects the way we behave, the way we respond to uncertainty, the way we see others, the way we feel about ourselves, and the way we make choices. It affects the very way we live our lives.”
I searched for General Conference talks that explain how knowing that we are daughters of God influences our lives and came up with three ways.
#1 - Knowing we are daughters of God gives us self confidence.
James E. Faust said in the 1999 General Conference, “Being a daughter of God means that if you seek it, you can find your true identity. You will know who you are. This will make you free—not free from restraints, but free from doubts, anxieties, or peer pressure. You will not need to worry, “Do I look all right?” “Do I sound OK?” “What do people think of me?” A conviction that you are a daughter of God gives you a feeling of comfort in your self-worth. It means that you can find strength in the balm of Christ. It will help you meet the heartaches and challenges with faith and serenity.”
Sister Dew said: “As we come to understand [our divine nature], we will feel a greater sense of mission and more confidence living as a woman of God in a world that doesn't necessarily celebrate women of God. We will cheer each other on rather than compete with each other, because we'll feel secure in our standing before the Lord. And we'll be eager to stand for truth, even when we must stand alone-for every consecrated woman will have times when she must stand alone.”
I think in today’s world it’s very easy not to feel much self-confidence. We are bombarded from all sides with the world’s ideals of what we should look like, dress like, and act like. If we know we are daughters of God, it’s easier not to buy into those ideals.
#2 - Knowing that we are daughters of God helps us resist temptation.
Elaine S. Dalton shared a story in the April 2010 GC talk that really illustrated this point. She said, “I have always loved the story of the son of King Louis XVI of France because he had an unshakable knowledge of his identity. As a young man, he was kidnapped by evil men who had dethroned his father, the king. These men knew that if they could destroy him morally, he would not be heir to the throne. For six months they subjected him to every vile thing life had to offer, and yet he never yielded under pressure. This puzzled his captors, and after doing everything they could think of, they asked him why he had such great moral strength. His reply was simple. He said, “I cannot do what you ask, for I was born to be a king.”
“Like the king’s son, each of you has inherited a royal birthright. Each of you has a divine heritage. “You are literally the royal daughters of our Father in Heaven.” Each of you was born to be a queen.”
#3 - Knowing that we are daughters of God helps us treat others with love and kindness.
When we know we are daughters of God, we have to acknowledge others are children of God as well, and need to treat them with love, kindness, and respect.
C. S. Lewis said something that I always found rather sobering: “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship. … There are no ordinary people. … Your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses” (“The Weight of Glory,” in Screwtape Proposes a Toast and Other Pieces [1974], 109–10).
Confession-about-not-having-a-testimony
An introduction
I am nobody special.
I have never served in a presidency as anything other than a secretary.
I have never had a stake calling.
I never served a mission.
I have never had a dream or seen a vision.
My patriarchal blessing refers to "great plans" but doesn't specify anything about the nature of those plans. Nothing remotely "great" has happened in my life to this date.
I was born to "goodly parents" who raised me in the church. I was always a "good" Mormon. I went to seminary. I didn't date till I was 16. I asked permission to leave class instead of watch R-rated movie clips. I went to BYU. I never went inactive. I was married in the temple. I always had a temple recommend. I didn't swear. I read my scriptures (most of the time). I wasn't fantastic at praying because I never felt like it accomplished anything. I attended all my meetings. I watched General Conference. I kept the Word of Wisdom.
In April 2017, while watching General Conference, I grew frustrated with my spiritual state. The leaders of the church talked about how we should be the happiest people on earth. We should be living amazingly joyful lives.
That was not my experience. I felt, if anything, spiritually stagnant, despite being "active." I didn't feel like I was any happier or better off than people who weren't members of the church. I felt frustrated, like there must be a higher spiritual plane than the one I was living on, because my life experience was not what the church leaders said it should be.
That started my spiritual awakening.
Up till that point, I was, in other words, just your average spiritually-asleep Mormon girl.
I have never served in a presidency as anything other than a secretary.
I have never had a stake calling.
I never served a mission.
I have never had a dream or seen a vision.
My patriarchal blessing refers to "great plans" but doesn't specify anything about the nature of those plans. Nothing remotely "great" has happened in my life to this date.
I was born to "goodly parents" who raised me in the church. I was always a "good" Mormon. I went to seminary. I didn't date till I was 16. I asked permission to leave class instead of watch R-rated movie clips. I went to BYU. I never went inactive. I was married in the temple. I always had a temple recommend. I didn't swear. I read my scriptures (most of the time). I wasn't fantastic at praying because I never felt like it accomplished anything. I attended all my meetings. I watched General Conference. I kept the Word of Wisdom.
In April 2017, while watching General Conference, I grew frustrated with my spiritual state. The leaders of the church talked about how we should be the happiest people on earth. We should be living amazingly joyful lives.
That was not my experience. I felt, if anything, spiritually stagnant, despite being "active." I didn't feel like I was any happier or better off than people who weren't members of the church. I felt frustrated, like there must be a higher spiritual plane than the one I was living on, because my life experience was not what the church leaders said it should be.
That started my spiritual awakening.
Up till that point, I was, in other words, just your average spiritually-asleep Mormon girl.
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