Key Principle: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
Step four is the one a lot of people get stuck on, and now I understand why. It is so overwhelming to try to think of every event, person, situation, anything that elicits a negative emotional reaction1 - over your entire life. I wasn't even sure where to start.
I went with the brainstorm method at first - just wrote down everything I could think of off the top of my head. Then I divided my life into segments (pre-kindergarten, elementary school, high school, etc.) and brainstormed with that period of my life in mind. I went through my contacts and photos to spark additional memories. Then I went through a list of negative emotions and wrote down any other memories that came to mind. After I felt like I had a good list (~475 items), I copied it into a spreadsheet. Then I filled out additional columns explaining why each inventory item sparked each negative emotion and what character weaknesses led to me feeling that emotion.
Once I got halfway down the list, I started noticing patterns. It was actually kind of fascinating seeing them. I am very insecure. I compare myself to others, which results in a lot of jealousy and resentment. I want to control everything, which results in frustration when things don't go my way. I have a lot of anxiety about getting in trouble and being punished. I'm more materialistic than I thought.
After finishing my spreadsheet, I made a list of every negative character trait I had used frequently and then searched through the spreadsheet to find trends and patterns. I hate being late and have very low tolerance for other people being late. Those kinds of inventory items are caused by impatience. I'm also impatient with kids, pets, long car trips, trips that take longer than they should, slow drivers, and processes that take a long time. I summarized my findings in a moral inventory essay.
I really had no idea how much of a pride problem I have. After working on this list it was extremely easy to pray, "I am so incredibly flawed and broken. There's no way I can fix myself. Please bless me with grace to overcome these issues!"
1 The ARP guide says to list positive reactions as well, but the other 12-step programs I've looked at have only focused on negatives. Seeing how long it's taken me to analyze the negatives, I decided determining my positive character traits can be a future project.
Showing posts with label AAP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AAP. Show all posts
Atonement Application Program - Step Three: Trust in God
Key Principle: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Step 3 was one I had been dreading. I am a pretty determined person. I have plans for my life. I have goals and dreams. I tend to take things into my own hands. I am a bit of a control freak. Giving up my will sounded terrifying. I don't have the kind of trust in God other people have. I questioned whether I could do it. What if I say I'll do His will and then don't do it? What if He asks me to do something I don't want to? I feel like I hardly know Him. Can I really trust Him? Does He really love me and have my best interests at heart?
The thing is, I do want to do God's will, at least sometimes. I try to keep the commandments - that's His will. I try to serve others - that's His will. I would like to be a force for good in the world and make a difference - that's His will too. At a high level I want to do His will. But when you get into the little details, it can get a lot less appealing. Changing my plans to do something He asks me to do. Asking me to get out of my comfort zone. Asking me to do something inconvenient. To do something I don't want to do. To give up my to do list. That is where the struggle is.
As I worked up the courage to take this step, I did a lot of journaling and reading online about others' thoughts about and experiences of giving their wills to God. Listening to a playlist I made about submitting to God provided a way for the Spirit to assure me that yes, I could do this. And eventually, I did.
So far the problem hasn't been so much Him asking me to do things I don't want to do, but more of having no idea what He wants me to do. I pray and listen and don't get any ideas. It's a little frustrating. I kind of feel like if I've made this commitment, I should get some instructions!
I've been reassuring myself that it isn't until step 11 that you actually start praying and meditating to know and follow God's will. My hope is by the time I get there, I'll be more capable of knowing what He wants me to do. It's frustrating that you commit to giving your will to God in step 3 but don't actually start doing it till step 11, but I guess if you don't commit to giving your will to God, you'll never make it through the rest of the steps!
Step 3 was one I had been dreading. I am a pretty determined person. I have plans for my life. I have goals and dreams. I tend to take things into my own hands. I am a bit of a control freak. Giving up my will sounded terrifying. I don't have the kind of trust in God other people have. I questioned whether I could do it. What if I say I'll do His will and then don't do it? What if He asks me to do something I don't want to? I feel like I hardly know Him. Can I really trust Him? Does He really love me and have my best interests at heart?
The thing is, I do want to do God's will, at least sometimes. I try to keep the commandments - that's His will. I try to serve others - that's His will. I would like to be a force for good in the world and make a difference - that's His will too. At a high level I want to do His will. But when you get into the little details, it can get a lot less appealing. Changing my plans to do something He asks me to do. Asking me to get out of my comfort zone. Asking me to do something inconvenient. To do something I don't want to do. To give up my to do list. That is where the struggle is.
As I worked up the courage to take this step, I did a lot of journaling and reading online about others' thoughts about and experiences of giving their wills to God. Listening to a playlist I made about submitting to God provided a way for the Spirit to assure me that yes, I could do this. And eventually, I did.
John Pontius recommended keeping a notebook with you and writing down all the good actions that come to your mind during the day, then recording whether you did each one and what the outcome was. I've tried that but have yet to really learn much, and I'm not sure it's that accurate. I can't spend my whole day doing every. little. thing. that comes to mind. My brain is perfectly capable of thinking of good things on its own, thankyouverymuch.
I've been reassuring myself that it isn't until step 11 that you actually start praying and meditating to know and follow God's will. My hope is by the time I get there, I'll be more capable of knowing what He wants me to do. It's frustrating that you commit to giving your will to God in step 3 but don't actually start doing it till step 11, but I guess if you don't commit to giving your will to God, you'll never make it through the rest of the steps!
Forgiving myself: Debating with Jesus in my brain
After attending several Addiction Recovery Program meetings with my addict friends, I was surprised to find out that we had more in common than I thought.
Step 9 is Restitution and Reconciliation. You're supposed to make restitution to everyone you harmed because of your addiction. The week we covered that step, when it was my turn to share, I talked about how, like them, I've also done things I don't think I can ever make up for. I've apologized multiple times but my apologies have never been acknowledged. I've gone out of my way to serve this person I hurt. I've done everything I can think of. One of the guys who shared after me said that he knows what's it's like to feel that way, but you have to move on and forgive yourself, even if the person you harmed hasn't forgiven you.
I'm not on step 9 yet, but today I've been thinking about this idea of forgiving myself. I know you're supposed to forgive yourself. But I have plenty of arguments about why I shouldn't! In fact, I ended up imagining a little debate with Jesus where I argued in favor of not forgiving myself:
Me: I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for __________.
Jesus: Why?
Me: Because I feel like I can never make up for it. Like I need to suffer for it and always remember what a terrible thing I did. Like if _____ is still suffering the effects of what I did, I should still be suffering.
Jesus: Why should you suffer?
Me: Shouldn't I? I did something terrible.
Jesus: But you wish you hadn't. You repented of it. Repenting doesn’t mean suffering endlessly. It means changing your heart. Your heart is different now, isn’t it?
Me: Yes.... I would never __________ again.
Jesus: See! You’ve changed!
Me: But am I allowed to move on with my life if _____ hasn’t?
Jesus: Absolutely! There’s no requirement that the person you hurt must forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself, or even for Me to forgive you. And, by the way, I have forgiven you.
Me: Even though what I did to _____, I essentially did to You? Even though You felt all that? How can You forgive me for __________?
Jesus: Because I love you. Because I understand who you are and what you went through that influenced you to act that way. Because I want to extend to you as much mercy as I can.
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: Do you believe My atonement covers all the sins in the world?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: Then why do you believe that you have to suffer? Why isn’t My atonement isn’t enough to cover what you did?
Me: I deserve to suffer because _____ had to suffer.
Jesus: And at what point have you suffered enough to stop suffering? At what point have you atoned for what you did?
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: You don’t think you’ll ever suffer enough.
Me: <guilty as charged>
Jesus: (smiling) Perfect. My atonement covers that! It covers infinite suffering. Because I love you, I suffered for you so you don't have to! If you keep suffering, then what are you saying about what I did? Why should both of us suffer when only one of us needs to - and I already did it?
Me: Are you sure it’s okay to move on? It's okay to stop beating myself up about it?
Jesus: It’s okay! I forgave you years ago. Please! Forgive yourself! Move on!
Me: (pause) I should have known better than to debate with You. You always outsmarted the Pharisees.
Jesus: (laughing) That's one of the benefits of being omniscient.
Me: <rolling eyes>
Jesus: So you're going to let go of it, right? Put it in the past? Stop beating yourself up?
Me: Right.
Jesus: (smirking) I knew you'd say that.
Me: <facepalm>
Step 9 is Restitution and Reconciliation. You're supposed to make restitution to everyone you harmed because of your addiction. The week we covered that step, when it was my turn to share, I talked about how, like them, I've also done things I don't think I can ever make up for. I've apologized multiple times but my apologies have never been acknowledged. I've gone out of my way to serve this person I hurt. I've done everything I can think of. One of the guys who shared after me said that he knows what's it's like to feel that way, but you have to move on and forgive yourself, even if the person you harmed hasn't forgiven you.
I'm not on step 9 yet, but today I've been thinking about this idea of forgiving myself. I know you're supposed to forgive yourself. But I have plenty of arguments about why I shouldn't! In fact, I ended up imagining a little debate with Jesus where I argued in favor of not forgiving myself:
Me: I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for __________.
Jesus: Why?
Me: Because I feel like I can never make up for it. Like I need to suffer for it and always remember what a terrible thing I did. Like if _____ is still suffering the effects of what I did, I should still be suffering.
Jesus: Why should you suffer?
Me: Shouldn't I? I did something terrible.
Jesus: But you wish you hadn't. You repented of it. Repenting doesn’t mean suffering endlessly. It means changing your heart. Your heart is different now, isn’t it?
Me: Yes.... I would never __________ again.
Jesus: See! You’ve changed!
Me: But am I allowed to move on with my life if _____ hasn’t?
Jesus: Absolutely! There’s no requirement that the person you hurt must forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself, or even for Me to forgive you. And, by the way, I have forgiven you.
Me: Even though what I did to _____, I essentially did to You? Even though You felt all that? How can You forgive me for __________?
Jesus: Because I love you. Because I understand who you are and what you went through that influenced you to act that way. Because I want to extend to you as much mercy as I can.
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: Do you believe My atonement covers all the sins in the world?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: Then why do you believe that you have to suffer? Why isn’t My atonement isn’t enough to cover what you did?
Me: I deserve to suffer because _____ had to suffer.
Jesus: And at what point have you suffered enough to stop suffering? At what point have you atoned for what you did?
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: You don’t think you’ll ever suffer enough.
Me: <guilty as charged>
Jesus: (smiling) Perfect. My atonement covers that! It covers infinite suffering. Because I love you, I suffered for you so you don't have to! If you keep suffering, then what are you saying about what I did? Why should both of us suffer when only one of us needs to - and I already did it?
Me: Are you sure it’s okay to move on? It's okay to stop beating myself up about it?
Jesus: It’s okay! I forgave you years ago. Please! Forgive yourself! Move on!
Me: (pause) I should have known better than to debate with You. You always outsmarted the Pharisees.
Jesus: (laughing) That's one of the benefits of being omniscient.
Me: <rolling eyes>
Jesus: So you're going to let go of it, right? Put it in the past? Stop beating yourself up?
Me: Right.
Jesus: (smirking) I knew you'd say that.
Me: <facepalm>
Mother Theresa - Step three personified
Over the past couple of months I've found myself thinking about Mother Teresa a lot. A few years ago I watched a movie about her called The Letters. I was very surprised to learn that during the last half of her life, deep down inside, she felt completely cut off from the Lord, lost in a dark spiritual fog. I can understand why I am in darkness, but how on earth can someone as amazing as Mother Teresa feel cut off from God? She was extremely Christlike - shouldn't she have basically been bathed in the Spirit her whole life?
Well, that's kind of what the first half of her life were like. She felt united with Jesus. She felt His presence. She wrote about being in love with Him and being his "little spouse." She wrote that she would give everything, including her life, for Him. She had conversations with Him about the ministry He wanted her to start, and she even had some visions. She loved and trusted Him so much that she vowed to do whatever He told her to do.
But during the last half of her life (44 years!), except for one 5-week period where she felt bathed in God's love, she felt completely cut off from Him. During this time of her life she wrote many letters to her superiors where she mentioned her inner darkness. An excerpt from a prayer she wrote:
Now it's time for me to give my will and life to the Lord. It's scary. Mother Teresa gave her will to Him during a time in her life when she felt perfectly united with Him, and kept that vow faithfully despite feeling spiritually forsaken. Am I to give my will to Him when, despite my best efforts, I don't feel like I really know Him?
Two final quotes from her letters that I thought were too good to leave out.
"Jesus wants me to tell you again … how much is the love He has for each one of you—beyond all what you can imagine. … Not only He loves you, even more—He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. … Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you—you can’t begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him."
"Your longing for God is so deep and yet He keeps Himself away from you. He must be forcing Himself to do so—because He loves you so much—the personal love Christ has for you is infinite."
Well, that's kind of what the first half of her life were like. She felt united with Jesus. She felt His presence. She wrote about being in love with Him and being his "little spouse." She wrote that she would give everything, including her life, for Him. She had conversations with Him about the ministry He wanted her to start, and she even had some visions. She loved and trusted Him so much that she vowed to do whatever He told her to do.
But during the last half of her life (44 years!), except for one 5-week period where she felt bathed in God's love, she felt completely cut off from Him. During this time of her life she wrote many letters to her superiors where she mentioned her inner darkness. An excerpt from a prayer she wrote:
"Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love—and now become as the most hated one—the one—You have thrown away as unwanted—unloved. I call, I cling, I want—and there is no One to answer—no One on Whom I can cling—no, No One.—Alone … Where is my Faith—even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness—My God—how painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith—I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart—& make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them—because of the blasphemy—If there be God—please forgive me—When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven—there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul.—I am told God loves me—and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul."Since finishing step 2, I've also been thinking a lot about step 3 - giving your life and will to the Lord. Mother Teresa has been an incredible example to me of one who has given herself, heart and soul, to Him. As I read her letters, I was amazed at how devoted she was to God despite feeling spiritually forsaken.
"There is so much contradiction in my soul.—Such deep longing for God—so deep that it is painful—a suffering continual—and yet not wanted by God—repulsed—empty—no faith—no love—no zeal. … Heaven means nothing—to me it looks like an empty place—the thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God. … I am only His—so He has every right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God. …"
"I long for God—I want to love Him—to love Him much—to live only for love of Him—to love only—and yet there is but pain—longing and no love. … All these things were so natural to me before—until Our Lord came fully in my life—I loved God with all the powers of a child's heart. He was the centre of everything I did & said.—Now Father—it [is] so dark, so different and yet my everything is His—in spite of Him not wanting me, not caring as if for me. .. .My heart & soul & body belongs only to God—that He has thrown away as unwanted the child of His Love.—And to this, Father, I have made that resolution in this retreat—To be at His disposal. Let Him do with me whatever He wants, as He wants, for as long as He wants."
"If there is hell—this must be one. How terrible it is to be without God—no prayer—no faith—no love. ... I do not ask Him to change His attitude towards me or His plans for me.—I only ask Him to use me."
"All these years I have only wanted one thing—to know and do the Will of God. And now even in this hard and deep darkness—I keep on wanting only that. The rest He has taken all—and I think, He has destroyed everything in me—The only thing that keeps me on the surface—is obedience."She wrote once that she was willing to feel forsaken for eternity if that's what He wanted. That is some serious commitment to her vow!
Now it's time for me to give my will and life to the Lord. It's scary. Mother Teresa gave her will to Him during a time in her life when she felt perfectly united with Him, and kept that vow faithfully despite feeling spiritually forsaken. Am I to give my will to Him when, despite my best efforts, I don't feel like I really know Him?
Two final quotes from her letters that I thought were too good to leave out.
"Jesus wants me to tell you again … how much is the love He has for each one of you—beyond all what you can imagine. … Not only He loves you, even more—He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. … Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you—you can’t begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him."
"Your longing for God is so deep and yet He keeps Himself away from you. He must be forcing Himself to do so—because He loves you so much—the personal love Christ has for you is infinite."
Starting over - a personal experience with Step One (and Three)
Last night I came to the realization that despite all of the changes I've made in my life during the past 16 months, despite all the good things I've done and bad things I've stopped doing, I am still not much more spiritually better off than I was when I first woke up. I have been trying to perfect myself, to improve myself, leaning on my own understanding, relying on my own arm of flesh. They were good changes, but they were made because it was my will to make them, not God's. As a result they haven't been too efficacious. I had a friend warn me about this twice in the last year, but I didn't listen. I thought those changes were part of "all [I] can do."
It's a painful lesson to learn, especially after this long. I'm trying not to berate myself over lost time. The last 16 months haven't been a complete waste of time -- they taught me this lesson. I found my passion. I heard Jesus call my name.
So as of today I renounce all changes I made due to my own will, with a few exceptions. I'll continue to blog (because starting a blog was definitely His will, not mine). I'll continue to study the scriptures and pray. I'll continue to serve. I'll do the things He explicitly has asked me to do. And I'll make the changes He asks me to make by seeking to know and do His will instead of my own. (Something I'll talk more about when I cover Steps Three and Eleven...)
It's a painful lesson to learn, especially after this long. I'm trying not to berate myself over lost time. The last 16 months haven't been a complete waste of time -- they taught me this lesson. I found my passion. I heard Jesus call my name.
So as of today I renounce all changes I made due to my own will, with a few exceptions. I'll continue to blog (because starting a blog was definitely His will, not mine). I'll continue to study the scriptures and pray. I'll continue to serve. I'll do the things He explicitly has asked me to do. And I'll make the changes He asks me to make by seeking to know and do His will instead of my own. (Something I'll talk more about when I cover Steps Three and Eleven...)
Atonement Application Program - Step Two: Hope
Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health.
Healing is associated with conversion or spiritual rebirth (among other terms) several times in the scriptures. It appears that the first person to link the two ideas was Isaiah, quoting Jehovah:
"Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed" (Isaiah 6:10).
Jesus quoted or paraphrased this scripture Himself multiple times (see Matt. 13:15, 3 Ne. 9:13, 3 Ne. 18:32, D&C 112:13). John wrote that the people refusing to believe Jesus despite all the miracles He performed was a fulfillment of Isaiah's prophecy (John 12:40). Paul also felt like Isaiah's prophecy was fulfilled during his own ministry (Acts 28:27).
I've read a lot about being spiritually reborn over the last year. It's a topic Mike Stroud (podcasts #8 and #45) and John Pontius (both on his blog and in his books1) have taught about. I was pretty surprised to learn that being converted (aka being spiritually reborn, being baptized by fire, and many other terms) was an event, not a process like I'd been taught much of my life. I did some reading in the scriptures to determine the truth for myself, and learned the idea of conversion being a process is not scriptural!!!2 No wonder Jesus taught "Straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it" (Matt. 7:14, 3 Ne. 14:14, 3 Ne. 27:33), because most members of the church aren't actively seeking a remission of their sins through receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. They either think their sins were remitted at baptism (as if their sins were left behind in the water) or that they received the Holy Ghost when they were confirmed (which rarely is the case). If you don't realize you don't actually have the gift of the Holy Ghost, you probably aren't seeking after it.
In my research online, I've read dozens of stories of normal, everyday members of the church being baptized by fire. It's not just limited to prophets and GAs! Those who have borne testimony of their own spiritual rebirth have given me so much hope that it can and will happen to me too! I look forward to the day when I also can testify that it's possible for average church members to receive this great blessing; to testify that conversion truly is an event, not a process; and to give others hope that it's attainable for them too.
1 As usual, no kickbacks.
2 See Enos, Mosiah 4-5, Alma 36:10-24, Hel. 5:21-52, and 3 Ne. 19:9-14. Frequently we quote 3 Ne. 9:20 to argue that you can be converted and not know it, but that verse is referring to the story found in Hel. 5. The dissenters clearly knew something had happened to them, but didn't know what it was. There is a footnote on Hel. 5:45 linking to 3 Ne. 9:20. Before the 1981 edition of the Book of Mormon, there was a footnote on 3 Ne. 9:20 linking in the other direction back to Hel. 5:45. Had that footnote remained, perhaps the idea of imperceptible conversion would never have taken hold in the church.
Healing is associated with conversion or spiritual rebirth (among other terms) several times in the scriptures. It appears that the first person to link the two ideas was Isaiah, quoting Jehovah:
"Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed" (Isaiah 6:10).
Jesus quoted or paraphrased this scripture Himself multiple times (see Matt. 13:15, 3 Ne. 9:13, 3 Ne. 18:32, D&C 112:13). John wrote that the people refusing to believe Jesus despite all the miracles He performed was a fulfillment of Isaiah's prophecy (John 12:40). Paul also felt like Isaiah's prophecy was fulfilled during his own ministry (Acts 28:27).
I've read a lot about being spiritually reborn over the last year. It's a topic Mike Stroud (podcasts #8 and #45) and John Pontius (both on his blog and in his books1) have taught about. I was pretty surprised to learn that being converted (aka being spiritually reborn, being baptized by fire, and many other terms) was an event, not a process like I'd been taught much of my life. I did some reading in the scriptures to determine the truth for myself, and learned the idea of conversion being a process is not scriptural!!!2 No wonder Jesus taught "Straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it" (Matt. 7:14, 3 Ne. 14:14, 3 Ne. 27:33), because most members of the church aren't actively seeking a remission of their sins through receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. They either think their sins were remitted at baptism (as if their sins were left behind in the water) or that they received the Holy Ghost when they were confirmed (which rarely is the case). If you don't realize you don't actually have the gift of the Holy Ghost, you probably aren't seeking after it.
In my research online, I've read dozens of stories of normal, everyday members of the church being baptized by fire. It's not just limited to prophets and GAs! Those who have borne testimony of their own spiritual rebirth have given me so much hope that it can and will happen to me too! I look forward to the day when I also can testify that it's possible for average church members to receive this great blessing; to testify that conversion truly is an event, not a process; and to give others hope that it's attainable for them too.
1 As usual, no kickbacks.
2 See Enos, Mosiah 4-5, Alma 36:10-24, Hel. 5:21-52, and 3 Ne. 19:9-14. Frequently we quote 3 Ne. 9:20 to argue that you can be converted and not know it, but that verse is referring to the story found in Hel. 5. The dissenters clearly knew something had happened to them, but didn't know what it was. There is a footnote on Hel. 5:45 linking to 3 Ne. 9:20. Before the 1981 edition of the Book of Mormon, there was a footnote on 3 Ne. 9:20 linking in the other direction back to Hel. 5:45. Had that footnote remained, perhaps the idea of imperceptible conversion would never have taken hold in the church.
Atonement Application Program - Step One: Honesty
Step One: Admit that I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses, flaws and sins.
There seems to be an attitude in the church that we just need to try harder to perfect ourselves, that we can discipline ourselves into perfection. We make lists and goals with the intent of becoming better people. We feel like when Nephi said that "it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do," he meant we have to DO EVERYTHING.... and then hopefully grace will kick in afterwards.
I am a classic example of this. I have been a goal-setting, New Year's resolution-making, checkbox-checking Latter-day Saint my whole life. I like thinking of myself as being a self-reliant, capable person. Unfortunately, that desire to be self-reliant has led to the belief that I could conquer any behavior or sin if I just had enough willpower and self-discipline.
For instance, I’ve tried to discipline myself to be more patient and less easily annoyed. I've never been that successful. I fail over and over. I get frustrated that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. These failures have helped me see that I can't improve myself through discipline, determination and willpower. I need divine help to overcome the natural man. My own efforts can only get me so far.
Frequently we are guilty of trying to make the natural man into a saint instead of crucifying the natural man ("And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts," Galatians 5:24). We're guilty of relying on the arm of flesh to perfect ourselves instead of the Lord. We don't want to see, admit, or recognize just how powerless we are.
It's hard for me to admit I'm powerless. But it's pretty obvious that all my goals, resolutions and checkboxes have yet to turn me into a saint. Self-discipline and willpower have not worked. I've become bound with "flaxen cords" of sin that have become chains I'm unable to break on my own (2 Ne. 26:22).
It takes humility to admit we're powerless. In today's day and age where we worship the "god of self," nobody wants to admit they can't do something. The proud want to rationalize, minimize and cover up their sins. They don't see a reason to repent. Like Moses, I need to be humble and truly understand that I. am. nothing.
"It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed" (Moses 1:10).
Ammon knew the same thing.
"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11–12).
I need to understand:
My own capabilities and wisdom are NOTHING compared to God's.
I can't perfect myself through my own efforts. I can never save myself through "industry" (Alma 4:6), "management" (Alma 30:17), or "genius" (Alma 30:17).
I can’t force myself or exert enough self-discipline to become spiritually-minded instead of carnally-minded.
I can only yield to the Spirit and do what it tells me to do in order to truly change. Only through the Spirit can I become regenerate, and strip off the natural man to become a saint.
I MUST rely "wholly" on Christ. I can't rely on myself or any other mortal. Relying on anyone other than Him, including myself, is damnation.
I can't save myself. Only Christ can.
My works don't merit any type of compensation. Only His do.
I am not worthy of esteem. Only He is.
I am nothing. He is everything.
There seems to be an attitude in the church that we just need to try harder to perfect ourselves, that we can discipline ourselves into perfection. We make lists and goals with the intent of becoming better people. We feel like when Nephi said that "it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do," he meant we have to DO EVERYTHING.... and then hopefully grace will kick in afterwards.
I am a classic example of this. I have been a goal-setting, New Year's resolution-making, checkbox-checking Latter-day Saint my whole life. I like thinking of myself as being a self-reliant, capable person. Unfortunately, that desire to be self-reliant has led to the belief that I could conquer any behavior or sin if I just had enough willpower and self-discipline.
For instance, I’ve tried to discipline myself to be more patient and less easily annoyed. I've never been that successful. I fail over and over. I get frustrated that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. These failures have helped me see that I can't improve myself through discipline, determination and willpower. I need divine help to overcome the natural man. My own efforts can only get me so far.
Frequently we are guilty of trying to make the natural man into a saint instead of crucifying the natural man ("And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts," Galatians 5:24). We're guilty of relying on the arm of flesh to perfect ourselves instead of the Lord. We don't want to see, admit, or recognize just how powerless we are.
It's hard for me to admit I'm powerless. But it's pretty obvious that all my goals, resolutions and checkboxes have yet to turn me into a saint. Self-discipline and willpower have not worked. I've become bound with "flaxen cords" of sin that have become chains I'm unable to break on my own (2 Ne. 26:22).
It takes humility to admit we're powerless. In today's day and age where we worship the "god of self," nobody wants to admit they can't do something. The proud want to rationalize, minimize and cover up their sins. They don't see a reason to repent. Like Moses, I need to be humble and truly understand that I. am. nothing.
"It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed" (Moses 1:10).
Ammon knew the same thing.
"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11–12).
I need to understand:
My own capabilities and wisdom are NOTHING compared to God's.
I can't perfect myself through my own efforts. I can never save myself through "industry" (Alma 4:6), "management" (Alma 30:17), or "genius" (Alma 30:17).
I can’t force myself or exert enough self-discipline to become spiritually-minded instead of carnally-minded.
I can only yield to the Spirit and do what it tells me to do in order to truly change. Only through the Spirit can I become regenerate, and strip off the natural man to become a saint.
I MUST rely "wholly" on Christ. I can't rely on myself or any other mortal. Relying on anyone other than Him, including myself, is damnation.
I can't save myself. Only Christ can.
My works don't merit any type of compensation. Only His do.
I am not worthy of esteem. Only He is.
I am nothing. He is everything.
Atonement Application Program - Introduction
I've mentioned before that I love attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings. I've heard them referred to as "the best-kept secret in the church" and "the best meetings in the church," and I couldn't agree more.
As I've attended these meetings, I've thought that the twelve principles of the program shouldn't be limited just to the context of addiction. They are principles for everyone. I think the reason why these meetings are so spiritual is because they are all about learning to apply the Savior's atonement in your life. They're about casting off the natural man and becoming a saint. In a sense, you could call it the Atonement Application Program. (Alas, I couldn't think of a better phrase that would give it the same initials of ARP.)
I thought it would be interesting to cover the twelve steps of the Addiction Recovery Program, but framing them in the context of casting off the natural man. Here are the twelve steps:
Step One: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
Step Three: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Step Four: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.
Step Six: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.
Step Seven: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.
Step Eight: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.
Step Nine: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.
Step Ten: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it.
Step Eleven: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.
As I've attended these meetings, I've thought that the twelve principles of the program shouldn't be limited just to the context of addiction. They are principles for everyone. I think the reason why these meetings are so spiritual is because they are all about learning to apply the Savior's atonement in your life. They're about casting off the natural man and becoming a saint. In a sense, you could call it the Atonement Application Program. (Alas, I couldn't think of a better phrase that would give it the same initials of ARP.)
I thought it would be interesting to cover the twelve steps of the Addiction Recovery Program, but framing them in the context of casting off the natural man. Here are the twelve steps:
Step One: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
Step Three: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Step Four: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.
Step Six: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.
Step Seven: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.
Step Eight: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.
Step Nine: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.
Step Ten: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it.
Step Eleven: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.
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