Last night I came to the realization that despite all of the changes I've made in my life during the past 16 months, despite all the good things I've done and bad things I've stopped doing, I am still not much more spiritually better off than I was when I first woke up. I have been trying to perfect myself, to improve myself, leaning on my own understanding, relying on my own arm of flesh. They were good changes, but they were made because it was my will to make them, not God's. As a result they haven't been too efficacious. I had a friend warn me about this twice in the last year, but I didn't listen. I thought those changes were part of "all [I] can do."
It's a painful lesson to learn, especially after this long. I'm trying not to berate myself over lost time. The last 16 months haven't been a complete waste of time -- they taught me this lesson. I found my passion. I heard Jesus call my name.
So as of today I renounce all changes I made due to my own will, with a few exceptions. I'll continue to blog (because starting a blog was definitely His will, not mine). I'll continue to study the scriptures and pray. I'll continue to serve. I'll do the things He explicitly has asked me to do. And I'll make the changes He asks me to make by seeking to know and do His will instead of my own. (Something I'll talk more about when I cover Steps Three and Eleven...)
