Last year during the April General Conference weekend, I finally got fed up with my level of spirituality and decided there had to be a higher plane out there somewhere. I wasn't experiencing the kinds of things I felt like I should be experiencing, or feeling the feelings I felt like I should have.
It has been one crazy year.
I would say the biggest difference between me then and me now is the amount of knowledge I've gained. I've learned truths I never would have believed last April. I really feel like last April I was spiritually starving. I was going to church but not being spiritually filled. I didn't know I had to look beyond what was taught at church into the deeper truths of the gospel in order to feel satiated. I had outgrown the milk and needed to seek out the meat on my own.
1 Cor. 3:2 says, "I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able." The Greek word translated "with meat" is defined as "food (literally or figuratively) especially (ceremonial) articles allowed or forbidden by the Jewish law" (see here). You don't want to stay a spiritual baby forever. You need to move on to the higher doctrines, the deeper spiritual truths. That higher level of spiritual nourishment isn't something you'll find at church. You have to seek it out yourself.
It's not without a cost though. Eccl. 1:18 says, "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." (I kind of like the CEV version better: "The more you know, the more you hurt; the more you understand, the more you suffer.") I've increased in knowledge the last year, but I've also increased in sorrow. I'm a little more jaded than I was before. But it's still better, in my opinion, to know truth, despite the cost, rather than stay in ignorance.
I've become a little bit better of a person in the last year. I used to tell white lies to preserve my image and I tell them far less frequently now. I also try to be as honest as possible. I might be a little more patient. I am more positive than I used to be. I am a little more service-oriented. I could be better, but I've improved. I don't turn away beggars anymore (after reading this). I found a cause I'm passionate about and do volunteer work related to that cause, which has been one of the best things in my life.
But I still feel stuck on the same spiritual plane as I was a year ago. I still struggle to recognize promptings. My prayers are still monologues, despite all the effort I've put into improving them. I still don't recognize yes/no answers to questions asked in prayer. Those are the areas I wanted the most to improve in, but it didn't happen. So it's a bit of a bittersweet anniversary for me.
