Key Principle: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
Step four is the one a lot of people get stuck on, and now I understand why. It is so overwhelming to try to think of every event, person, situation, anything that elicits a negative emotional reaction1 - over your entire life. I wasn't even sure where to start.
I went with the brainstorm method at first - just wrote down everything I could think of off the top of my head. Then I divided my life into segments (pre-kindergarten, elementary school, high school, etc.) and brainstormed with that period of my life in mind. I went through my contacts and photos to spark additional memories. Then I went through a list of negative emotions and wrote down any other memories that came to mind. After I felt like I had a good list (~475 items), I copied it into a spreadsheet. Then I filled out additional columns explaining why each inventory item sparked each negative emotion and what character weaknesses led to me feeling that emotion.
Once I got halfway down the list, I started noticing patterns. It was actually kind of fascinating seeing them. I am very insecure. I compare myself to others, which results in a lot of jealousy and resentment. I want to control everything, which results in frustration when things don't go my way. I have a lot of anxiety about getting in trouble and being punished. I'm more materialistic than I thought.
After finishing my spreadsheet, I made a list of every negative character trait I had used frequently and then searched through the spreadsheet to find trends and patterns. I hate being late and have very low tolerance for other people being late. Those kinds of inventory items are caused by impatience. I'm also impatient with kids, pets, long car trips, trips that take longer than they should, slow drivers, and processes that take a long time. I summarized my findings in a moral inventory essay.
I really had no idea how much of a pride problem I have. After working on this list it was extremely easy to pray, "I am so incredibly flawed and broken. There's no way I can fix myself. Please bless me with grace to overcome these issues!"
1 The ARP guide says to list positive reactions as well, but the other 12-step programs I've looked at have only focused on negatives. Seeing how long it's taken me to analyze the negatives, I decided determining my positive character traits can be a future project.
Delivered from hell
I was looking through my old journals and found this dream I had written down from 2005 that I had completely forgotten about:
Our stake was doing an activity based on the Plan of
Salvation, and I was part of it, as a member of the angelic choir that sat in
rows of fold-down chairs in front of and facing the stage. The beginning of the activity featured three
different movies depicting the plan of salvation, but to drive the point home
even further, a live pageant was to be performed for the audience.
At the dress rehearsal (the only rehearsal the choir ever
had with the rest of the cast), I sang our best the pieces written for the
heavenly choir and watched the pageant actors with interest. The story of Adam and Eve was told first,
starting with the Garden of Eden and ending with their partaking of the
fruit. When we got to the scenes after
that, the ones featuring Satan and Christ, the director said we’d be skipping
those scenes in the dress rehearsal. A
feeling came over me that those scenes with be very important to me, but I
shrugged it off.
The evening of the activity went well. The movies were mildly interesting, if a
little repetitive. The pageant itself
went smoothly, and before I realized it, we were up to Satan’s first scene after
the Fall of Adam.
As the actor playing Satan delivered his monologue, the
choir sang a wordless tune in a minor key, softly at first but then rising into
a crescendo as Satan reached the climax of his speech, ranting and raving like
a madman. My angelic song turned into
shrieks of horror as Satan lunged at me and grabbed me. I was not expecting this. With me in his icy-cold clutches, he flew
through the air toward the back of the room with the help of stunt ropes. As he
threw me into the pit of hell behind the audience, reality seemed to fade away.
Darkness seemed to engulf me, and the snake-like Satan laughed and laughed as my
misery grew apparent. I started to weep
and wail uncontrollably, feeling like I was doomed to spend eternity in the
misery of hell.
Just when I was about to give up hope, a light started
shining through the impenetrable dark, and I saw Christ flying toward me. He took me in his arms and flew me far, far
away from the pit of hell, toward a world of light filled with angelic
singing. I continued to cry, but they
were tears of joy as well as sorrow, because I knew that while I had been
weeping in hell, He had been atoning for my sins and dying for me so that He
could come rescue me. Finally, we
reached our destination, and as He let me go, I collapsed into a heap at his
feet. All I could think of was that He
had delivered ME, personally, from Satan’s grasp. I stayed there, on my knees, for what seemed
like forever, but eventually reality returned, and I realized that the pageant
was over. As I got up from my knees, I
understood the feeling I had had during the dress rehearsal: those scenes left
me with the deep impression that Christ knows ME personally and loves me so
much that He bore my sins and died for me so that He could save me from death
and hell. It was a feeling that I never
wanted to forget.
A lesson in deception
I learned a hard lesson this fall on the importance of listening to the Spirit, no matter how much it conflicts with what I want.
Last year I received an extraordinary blessing from a close friend and spiritual mentor. It was comforting in many ways and promised future blessings I would receive. I thought this friend was a spiritual giant, so I was extremely confused when I did not feel the Spirit present at all during the blessing. I brushed it off by rationalizing that I must not have been spiritually sensitive enough to feel the Spirit during that extraordinary experience. I trusted this friend and desperately wanted the promised blessings to be true.
It wasn't till this fall that I learned this friend was not who I thought he was, and I could finally face the truth I had been avoiding head-on: this blessing was a fake. I don't know if he made it up to manipulate me, if he thought it was real due to some kind of mental illness, or if he was just tapping into an ungodly source.
I listened to the recording I had made of the blessing. No Spirit.
I read the transcription of the blessing. No Spirit.
I played the recording and showed the transcript to someone else who agreed: no Spirit.
Then I listened to the recording of a blessing someone else not as "spiritually advanced" had given me. Instant Spirit.
I had been deceived. I hadn't trusted my own feelings as I should have. I let my trust in this person override what I knew deep down every time I read it: this blessing was a fake.
Lessons learned:
1. Always, always listen to the Spirit (or lack thereof).
2. Don't assume something is true just because someone I consider more "spiritually advanced" than me says it.
3. The only one I can really trust is Jesus.
Last year I received an extraordinary blessing from a close friend and spiritual mentor. It was comforting in many ways and promised future blessings I would receive. I thought this friend was a spiritual giant, so I was extremely confused when I did not feel the Spirit present at all during the blessing. I brushed it off by rationalizing that I must not have been spiritually sensitive enough to feel the Spirit during that extraordinary experience. I trusted this friend and desperately wanted the promised blessings to be true.
It wasn't till this fall that I learned this friend was not who I thought he was, and I could finally face the truth I had been avoiding head-on: this blessing was a fake. I don't know if he made it up to manipulate me, if he thought it was real due to some kind of mental illness, or if he was just tapping into an ungodly source.
I listened to the recording I had made of the blessing. No Spirit.
I read the transcription of the blessing. No Spirit.
I played the recording and showed the transcript to someone else who agreed: no Spirit.
Then I listened to the recording of a blessing someone else not as "spiritually advanced" had given me. Instant Spirit.
I had been deceived. I hadn't trusted my own feelings as I should have. I let my trust in this person override what I knew deep down every time I read it: this blessing was a fake.
Lessons learned:
1. Always, always listen to the Spirit (or lack thereof).
2. Don't assume something is true just because someone I consider more "spiritually advanced" than me says it.
3. The only one I can really trust is Jesus.
Giving my burdens to Jesus
Many times in my life I've heard people offer someone the advice "give it all to Jesus." "Give your problems to Him." "Give your worries to Him." I had no idea what that meant or how you did that. Google wasn't terribly helpful.
Eventually I tried to imagine how He would respond if I confessed I had no idea how to give Him my burdens. The response I came up with was, "You just ask Me. Ask Me to take it, and let go of it. Stop worrying. Trust Me." A scene came to mind. He was kneeling in front of me with an open backpack I had been carrying that was filled with stones. He handed me each one and asked what problem, worry or fear it represented. I told Him what it was and asked if He would take it from me. He said yes, and took each one from me until my backpack was empty.
So now when I have a burden, I imagine myself holding a stone with Jesus standing in front of me. I say, "Jesus, I'm worried about ________________. Will You take this burden from me?" He says yes and takes it from me. I demonstrate my trust in Him by not worrying about it anymore.
I made a list of burdens I've given to Him so I can remind myself what I'm not going to worry about, and so I can see the results as time goes by. I have been pretty good about not stressing over most of them, trusting them to His care - although on occasion I've tried to take one back, only to have to let go of it again!
My testimony of this concept has been greatly strengthened in the last few months. I was very worried about a certain confrontation happening. Twice now opportunities for that confrontation to happen have arisen. Both times I gave Him the burden and stopped worrying about it (though I did occasionally remind Him I was counting on Him!). The opportunities were averted both times. His solutions were far better than any ideas I had come up with own my own. (And He's probably the only one who could have averted them anyway!)
Now that I have had these experiences, I know for sure that giving Him my burdens is a much better solution than worrying, stressing, and trying to solve my problems myself! It's better to let go of the anxiety and stress and trust that everything is in His hands.
Eventually I tried to imagine how He would respond if I confessed I had no idea how to give Him my burdens. The response I came up with was, "You just ask Me. Ask Me to take it, and let go of it. Stop worrying. Trust Me." A scene came to mind. He was kneeling in front of me with an open backpack I had been carrying that was filled with stones. He handed me each one and asked what problem, worry or fear it represented. I told Him what it was and asked if He would take it from me. He said yes, and took each one from me until my backpack was empty.
So now when I have a burden, I imagine myself holding a stone with Jesus standing in front of me. I say, "Jesus, I'm worried about ________________. Will You take this burden from me?" He says yes and takes it from me. I demonstrate my trust in Him by not worrying about it anymore.
I made a list of burdens I've given to Him so I can remind myself what I'm not going to worry about, and so I can see the results as time goes by. I have been pretty good about not stressing over most of them, trusting them to His care - although on occasion I've tried to take one back, only to have to let go of it again!
My testimony of this concept has been greatly strengthened in the last few months. I was very worried about a certain confrontation happening. Twice now opportunities for that confrontation to happen have arisen. Both times I gave Him the burden and stopped worrying about it (though I did occasionally remind Him I was counting on Him!). The opportunities were averted both times. His solutions were far better than any ideas I had come up with own my own. (And He's probably the only one who could have averted them anyway!)
Now that I have had these experiences, I know for sure that giving Him my burdens is a much better solution than worrying, stressing, and trying to solve my problems myself! It's better to let go of the anxiety and stress and trust that everything is in His hands.
Taking Christ’s Name Upon Yourself
The concept of taking Christ's name upon oneself is mentioned all over the Book of Mormon. What exactly does this mean? I thought about times we "take" someone else's name upon us. For instance - when you adopt someone, s/he takes on your surname. When a woman marries, usually (but not always) she takes on her husband's surname. Taking on someone's surname can be seen as a symbol of linking or joining two people together.
Here are four ways you take Christ's name upon yourself.
Joining His Church
You take Christ's name upon yourself by becoming a member of His church - a Christian.
"...And it came to pass that whosoever were desirous to take upon them the name of Christ, or of God, they did join the churches of God." Mosiah 25:23
Becoming His Child
You take His name upon yourself when you become one of His children through spiritual rebirth (similar to the adoption example above - taking on your father's surname).
"And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters." Mosiah 5:7
Emulating His Character
In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word "shm" is usually translated as "name," but in ancient Hebrew culture, it meant far more than just a way to identify someone. The Ancient Hebrew Lexicon (AHL) defines "ShM" as breath: "The breath of a man is character, what makes one what he is." (link) So another way you take Christ's name upon yourself is by emulating His "shm," or character. This involves doing what He would do, saying what He would say, and serving as He would serve.
Saving and Delivering Others
The AHL definition of "ShM" continues: "The name of an individual is more than an identifier but descriptive of his character or breath." So a name represented character, but the definition of the name also was supposed to describe that person's character. The meaning of Jesus's name, Yeshua, is "deliverer or savior." You also take His "shm" upon you when you submit your will and desires to His, uniting with Him to save and deliver others.
Here are four ways you take Christ's name upon yourself.
Joining His Church
You take Christ's name upon yourself by becoming a member of His church - a Christian.
"...And it came to pass that whosoever were desirous to take upon them the name of Christ, or of God, they did join the churches of God." Mosiah 25:23
Becoming His Child
You take His name upon yourself when you become one of His children through spiritual rebirth (similar to the adoption example above - taking on your father's surname).
"And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters." Mosiah 5:7
Emulating His Character
In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word "shm" is usually translated as "name," but in ancient Hebrew culture, it meant far more than just a way to identify someone. The Ancient Hebrew Lexicon (AHL) defines "ShM" as breath: "The breath of a man is character, what makes one what he is." (link) So another way you take Christ's name upon yourself is by emulating His "shm," or character. This involves doing what He would do, saying what He would say, and serving as He would serve.
Saving and Delivering Others
The AHL definition of "ShM" continues: "The name of an individual is more than an identifier but descriptive of his character or breath." So a name represented character, but the definition of the name also was supposed to describe that person's character. The meaning of Jesus's name, Yeshua, is "deliverer or savior." You also take His "shm" upon you when you submit your will and desires to His, uniting with Him to save and deliver others.
Atonement Application Program - Step Three: Trust in God
Key Principle: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Step 3 was one I had been dreading. I am a pretty determined person. I have plans for my life. I have goals and dreams. I tend to take things into my own hands. I am a bit of a control freak. Giving up my will sounded terrifying. I don't have the kind of trust in God other people have. I questioned whether I could do it. What if I say I'll do His will and then don't do it? What if He asks me to do something I don't want to? I feel like I hardly know Him. Can I really trust Him? Does He really love me and have my best interests at heart?
The thing is, I do want to do God's will, at least sometimes. I try to keep the commandments - that's His will. I try to serve others - that's His will. I would like to be a force for good in the world and make a difference - that's His will too. At a high level I want to do His will. But when you get into the little details, it can get a lot less appealing. Changing my plans to do something He asks me to do. Asking me to get out of my comfort zone. Asking me to do something inconvenient. To do something I don't want to do. To give up my to do list. That is where the struggle is.
As I worked up the courage to take this step, I did a lot of journaling and reading online about others' thoughts about and experiences of giving their wills to God. Listening to a playlist I made about submitting to God provided a way for the Spirit to assure me that yes, I could do this. And eventually, I did.
So far the problem hasn't been so much Him asking me to do things I don't want to do, but more of having no idea what He wants me to do. I pray and listen and don't get any ideas. It's a little frustrating. I kind of feel like if I've made this commitment, I should get some instructions!
I've been reassuring myself that it isn't until step 11 that you actually start praying and meditating to know and follow God's will. My hope is by the time I get there, I'll be more capable of knowing what He wants me to do. It's frustrating that you commit to giving your will to God in step 3 but don't actually start doing it till step 11, but I guess if you don't commit to giving your will to God, you'll never make it through the rest of the steps!
Step 3 was one I had been dreading. I am a pretty determined person. I have plans for my life. I have goals and dreams. I tend to take things into my own hands. I am a bit of a control freak. Giving up my will sounded terrifying. I don't have the kind of trust in God other people have. I questioned whether I could do it. What if I say I'll do His will and then don't do it? What if He asks me to do something I don't want to? I feel like I hardly know Him. Can I really trust Him? Does He really love me and have my best interests at heart?
The thing is, I do want to do God's will, at least sometimes. I try to keep the commandments - that's His will. I try to serve others - that's His will. I would like to be a force for good in the world and make a difference - that's His will too. At a high level I want to do His will. But when you get into the little details, it can get a lot less appealing. Changing my plans to do something He asks me to do. Asking me to get out of my comfort zone. Asking me to do something inconvenient. To do something I don't want to do. To give up my to do list. That is where the struggle is.
As I worked up the courage to take this step, I did a lot of journaling and reading online about others' thoughts about and experiences of giving their wills to God. Listening to a playlist I made about submitting to God provided a way for the Spirit to assure me that yes, I could do this. And eventually, I did.
John Pontius recommended keeping a notebook with you and writing down all the good actions that come to your mind during the day, then recording whether you did each one and what the outcome was. I've tried that but have yet to really learn much, and I'm not sure it's that accurate. I can't spend my whole day doing every. little. thing. that comes to mind. My brain is perfectly capable of thinking of good things on its own, thankyouverymuch.
I've been reassuring myself that it isn't until step 11 that you actually start praying and meditating to know and follow God's will. My hope is by the time I get there, I'll be more capable of knowing what He wants me to do. It's frustrating that you commit to giving your will to God in step 3 but don't actually start doing it till step 11, but I guess if you don't commit to giving your will to God, you'll never make it through the rest of the steps!
Forgiving myself: Debating with Jesus in my brain
After attending several Addiction Recovery Program meetings with my addict friends, I was surprised to find out that we had more in common than I thought.
Step 9 is Restitution and Reconciliation. You're supposed to make restitution to everyone you harmed because of your addiction. The week we covered that step, when it was my turn to share, I talked about how, like them, I've also done things I don't think I can ever make up for. I've apologized multiple times but my apologies have never been acknowledged. I've gone out of my way to serve this person I hurt. I've done everything I can think of. One of the guys who shared after me said that he knows what's it's like to feel that way, but you have to move on and forgive yourself, even if the person you harmed hasn't forgiven you.
I'm not on step 9 yet, but today I've been thinking about this idea of forgiving myself. I know you're supposed to forgive yourself. But I have plenty of arguments about why I shouldn't! In fact, I ended up imagining a little debate with Jesus where I argued in favor of not forgiving myself:
Me: I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for __________.
Jesus: Why?
Me: Because I feel like I can never make up for it. Like I need to suffer for it and always remember what a terrible thing I did. Like if _____ is still suffering the effects of what I did, I should still be suffering.
Jesus: Why should you suffer?
Me: Shouldn't I? I did something terrible.
Jesus: But you wish you hadn't. You repented of it. Repenting doesn’t mean suffering endlessly. It means changing your heart. Your heart is different now, isn’t it?
Me: Yes.... I would never __________ again.
Jesus: See! You’ve changed!
Me: But am I allowed to move on with my life if _____ hasn’t?
Jesus: Absolutely! There’s no requirement that the person you hurt must forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself, or even for Me to forgive you. And, by the way, I have forgiven you.
Me: Even though what I did to _____, I essentially did to You? Even though You felt all that? How can You forgive me for __________?
Jesus: Because I love you. Because I understand who you are and what you went through that influenced you to act that way. Because I want to extend to you as much mercy as I can.
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: Do you believe My atonement covers all the sins in the world?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: Then why do you believe that you have to suffer? Why isn’t My atonement isn’t enough to cover what you did?
Me: I deserve to suffer because _____ had to suffer.
Jesus: And at what point have you suffered enough to stop suffering? At what point have you atoned for what you did?
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: You don’t think you’ll ever suffer enough.
Me: <guilty as charged>
Jesus: (smiling) Perfect. My atonement covers that! It covers infinite suffering. Because I love you, I suffered for you so you don't have to! If you keep suffering, then what are you saying about what I did? Why should both of us suffer when only one of us needs to - and I already did it?
Me: Are you sure it’s okay to move on? It's okay to stop beating myself up about it?
Jesus: It’s okay! I forgave you years ago. Please! Forgive yourself! Move on!
Me: (pause) I should have known better than to debate with You. You always outsmarted the Pharisees.
Jesus: (laughing) That's one of the benefits of being omniscient.
Me: <rolling eyes>
Jesus: So you're going to let go of it, right? Put it in the past? Stop beating yourself up?
Me: Right.
Jesus: (smirking) I knew you'd say that.
Me: <facepalm>
Step 9 is Restitution and Reconciliation. You're supposed to make restitution to everyone you harmed because of your addiction. The week we covered that step, when it was my turn to share, I talked about how, like them, I've also done things I don't think I can ever make up for. I've apologized multiple times but my apologies have never been acknowledged. I've gone out of my way to serve this person I hurt. I've done everything I can think of. One of the guys who shared after me said that he knows what's it's like to feel that way, but you have to move on and forgive yourself, even if the person you harmed hasn't forgiven you.
I'm not on step 9 yet, but today I've been thinking about this idea of forgiving myself. I know you're supposed to forgive yourself. But I have plenty of arguments about why I shouldn't! In fact, I ended up imagining a little debate with Jesus where I argued in favor of not forgiving myself:
Me: I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for __________.
Jesus: Why?
Me: Because I feel like I can never make up for it. Like I need to suffer for it and always remember what a terrible thing I did. Like if _____ is still suffering the effects of what I did, I should still be suffering.
Jesus: Why should you suffer?
Me: Shouldn't I? I did something terrible.
Jesus: But you wish you hadn't. You repented of it. Repenting doesn’t mean suffering endlessly. It means changing your heart. Your heart is different now, isn’t it?
Me: Yes.... I would never __________ again.
Jesus: See! You’ve changed!
Me: But am I allowed to move on with my life if _____ hasn’t?
Jesus: Absolutely! There’s no requirement that the person you hurt must forgive you in order for you to forgive yourself, or even for Me to forgive you. And, by the way, I have forgiven you.
Me: Even though what I did to _____, I essentially did to You? Even though You felt all that? How can You forgive me for __________?
Jesus: Because I love you. Because I understand who you are and what you went through that influenced you to act that way. Because I want to extend to you as much mercy as I can.
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: Do you believe My atonement covers all the sins in the world?
Me: Yes...
Jesus: Then why do you believe that you have to suffer? Why isn’t My atonement isn’t enough to cover what you did?
Me: I deserve to suffer because _____ had to suffer.
Jesus: And at what point have you suffered enough to stop suffering? At what point have you atoned for what you did?
Me: <crickets>
Jesus: You don’t think you’ll ever suffer enough.
Me: <guilty as charged>
Jesus: (smiling) Perfect. My atonement covers that! It covers infinite suffering. Because I love you, I suffered for you so you don't have to! If you keep suffering, then what are you saying about what I did? Why should both of us suffer when only one of us needs to - and I already did it?
Me: Are you sure it’s okay to move on? It's okay to stop beating myself up about it?
Jesus: It’s okay! I forgave you years ago. Please! Forgive yourself! Move on!
Me: (pause) I should have known better than to debate with You. You always outsmarted the Pharisees.
Jesus: (laughing) That's one of the benefits of being omniscient.
Me: <rolling eyes>
Jesus: So you're going to let go of it, right? Put it in the past? Stop beating yourself up?
Me: Right.
Jesus: (smirking) I knew you'd say that.
Me: <facepalm>
Mother Theresa - Step three personified
Over the past couple of months I've found myself thinking about Mother Teresa a lot. A few years ago I watched a movie about her called The Letters. I was very surprised to learn that during the last half of her life, deep down inside, she felt completely cut off from the Lord, lost in a dark spiritual fog. I can understand why I am in darkness, but how on earth can someone as amazing as Mother Teresa feel cut off from God? She was extremely Christlike - shouldn't she have basically been bathed in the Spirit her whole life?
Well, that's kind of what the first half of her life were like. She felt united with Jesus. She felt His presence. She wrote about being in love with Him and being his "little spouse." She wrote that she would give everything, including her life, for Him. She had conversations with Him about the ministry He wanted her to start, and she even had some visions. She loved and trusted Him so much that she vowed to do whatever He told her to do.
But during the last half of her life (44 years!), except for one 5-week period where she felt bathed in God's love, she felt completely cut off from Him. During this time of her life she wrote many letters to her superiors where she mentioned her inner darkness. An excerpt from a prayer she wrote:
Now it's time for me to give my will and life to the Lord. It's scary. Mother Teresa gave her will to Him during a time in her life when she felt perfectly united with Him, and kept that vow faithfully despite feeling spiritually forsaken. Am I to give my will to Him when, despite my best efforts, I don't feel like I really know Him?
Two final quotes from her letters that I thought were too good to leave out.
"Jesus wants me to tell you again … how much is the love He has for each one of you—beyond all what you can imagine. … Not only He loves you, even more—He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. … Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you—you can’t begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him."
"Your longing for God is so deep and yet He keeps Himself away from you. He must be forcing Himself to do so—because He loves you so much—the personal love Christ has for you is infinite."
Well, that's kind of what the first half of her life were like. She felt united with Jesus. She felt His presence. She wrote about being in love with Him and being his "little spouse." She wrote that she would give everything, including her life, for Him. She had conversations with Him about the ministry He wanted her to start, and she even had some visions. She loved and trusted Him so much that she vowed to do whatever He told her to do.
But during the last half of her life (44 years!), except for one 5-week period where she felt bathed in God's love, she felt completely cut off from Him. During this time of her life she wrote many letters to her superiors where she mentioned her inner darkness. An excerpt from a prayer she wrote:
"Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love—and now become as the most hated one—the one—You have thrown away as unwanted—unloved. I call, I cling, I want—and there is no One to answer—no One on Whom I can cling—no, No One.—Alone … Where is my Faith—even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness—My God—how painful is this unknown pain—I have no Faith—I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart—& make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them—because of the blasphemy—If there be God—please forgive me—When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven—there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul.—I am told God loves me—and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul."Since finishing step 2, I've also been thinking a lot about step 3 - giving your life and will to the Lord. Mother Teresa has been an incredible example to me of one who has given herself, heart and soul, to Him. As I read her letters, I was amazed at how devoted she was to God despite feeling spiritually forsaken.
"There is so much contradiction in my soul.—Such deep longing for God—so deep that it is painful—a suffering continual—and yet not wanted by God—repulsed—empty—no faith—no love—no zeal. … Heaven means nothing—to me it looks like an empty place—the thought of it means nothing to me and yet this torturing longing for God. … I am only His—so He has every right over me. I am perfectly happy to be nobody even to God. …"
"I long for God—I want to love Him—to love Him much—to live only for love of Him—to love only—and yet there is but pain—longing and no love. … All these things were so natural to me before—until Our Lord came fully in my life—I loved God with all the powers of a child's heart. He was the centre of everything I did & said.—Now Father—it [is] so dark, so different and yet my everything is His—in spite of Him not wanting me, not caring as if for me. .. .My heart & soul & body belongs only to God—that He has thrown away as unwanted the child of His Love.—And to this, Father, I have made that resolution in this retreat—To be at His disposal. Let Him do with me whatever He wants, as He wants, for as long as He wants."
"If there is hell—this must be one. How terrible it is to be without God—no prayer—no faith—no love. ... I do not ask Him to change His attitude towards me or His plans for me.—I only ask Him to use me."
"All these years I have only wanted one thing—to know and do the Will of God. And now even in this hard and deep darkness—I keep on wanting only that. The rest He has taken all—and I think, He has destroyed everything in me—The only thing that keeps me on the surface—is obedience."She wrote once that she was willing to feel forsaken for eternity if that's what He wanted. That is some serious commitment to her vow!
Now it's time for me to give my will and life to the Lord. It's scary. Mother Teresa gave her will to Him during a time in her life when she felt perfectly united with Him, and kept that vow faithfully despite feeling spiritually forsaken. Am I to give my will to Him when, despite my best efforts, I don't feel like I really know Him?
Two final quotes from her letters that I thought were too good to leave out.
"Jesus wants me to tell you again … how much is the love He has for each one of you—beyond all what you can imagine. … Not only He loves you, even more—He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. … Until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you—you can’t begin to know who He wants to be for you. Or who He wants you to be for Him."
"Your longing for God is so deep and yet He keeps Himself away from you. He must be forcing Himself to do so—because He loves you so much—the personal love Christ has for you is infinite."
Starting over - a personal experience with Step One (and Three)
Last night I came to the realization that despite all of the changes I've made in my life during the past 16 months, despite all the good things I've done and bad things I've stopped doing, I am still not much more spiritually better off than I was when I first woke up. I have been trying to perfect myself, to improve myself, leaning on my own understanding, relying on my own arm of flesh. They were good changes, but they were made because it was my will to make them, not God's. As a result they haven't been too efficacious. I had a friend warn me about this twice in the last year, but I didn't listen. I thought those changes were part of "all [I] can do."
It's a painful lesson to learn, especially after this long. I'm trying not to berate myself over lost time. The last 16 months haven't been a complete waste of time -- they taught me this lesson. I found my passion. I heard Jesus call my name.
So as of today I renounce all changes I made due to my own will, with a few exceptions. I'll continue to blog (because starting a blog was definitely His will, not mine). I'll continue to study the scriptures and pray. I'll continue to serve. I'll do the things He explicitly has asked me to do. And I'll make the changes He asks me to make by seeking to know and do His will instead of my own. (Something I'll talk more about when I cover Steps Three and Eleven...)
It's a painful lesson to learn, especially after this long. I'm trying not to berate myself over lost time. The last 16 months haven't been a complete waste of time -- they taught me this lesson. I found my passion. I heard Jesus call my name.
So as of today I renounce all changes I made due to my own will, with a few exceptions. I'll continue to blog (because starting a blog was definitely His will, not mine). I'll continue to study the scriptures and pray. I'll continue to serve. I'll do the things He explicitly has asked me to do. And I'll make the changes He asks me to make by seeking to know and do His will instead of my own. (Something I'll talk more about when I cover Steps Three and Eleven...)
Atonement Application Program - Step Two: Hope
Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health.
Healing is associated with conversion or spiritual rebirth (among other terms) several times in the scriptures. It appears that the first person to link the two ideas was Isaiah, quoting Jehovah:
"Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed" (Isaiah 6:10).
Jesus quoted or paraphrased this scripture Himself multiple times (see Matt. 13:15, 3 Ne. 9:13, 3 Ne. 18:32, D&C 112:13). John wrote that the people refusing to believe Jesus despite all the miracles He performed was a fulfillment of Isaiah's prophecy (John 12:40). Paul also felt like Isaiah's prophecy was fulfilled during his own ministry (Acts 28:27).
I've read a lot about being spiritually reborn over the last year. It's a topic Mike Stroud (podcasts #8 and #45) and John Pontius (both on his blog and in his books1) have taught about. I was pretty surprised to learn that being converted (aka being spiritually reborn, being baptized by fire, and many other terms) was an event, not a process like I'd been taught much of my life. I did some reading in the scriptures to determine the truth for myself, and learned the idea of conversion being a process is not scriptural!!!2 No wonder Jesus taught "Straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it" (Matt. 7:14, 3 Ne. 14:14, 3 Ne. 27:33), because most members of the church aren't actively seeking a remission of their sins through receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. They either think their sins were remitted at baptism (as if their sins were left behind in the water) or that they received the Holy Ghost when they were confirmed (which rarely is the case). If you don't realize you don't actually have the gift of the Holy Ghost, you probably aren't seeking after it.
In my research online, I've read dozens of stories of normal, everyday members of the church being baptized by fire. It's not just limited to prophets and GAs! Those who have borne testimony of their own spiritual rebirth have given me so much hope that it can and will happen to me too! I look forward to the day when I also can testify that it's possible for average church members to receive this great blessing; to testify that conversion truly is an event, not a process; and to give others hope that it's attainable for them too.
1 As usual, no kickbacks.
2 See Enos, Mosiah 4-5, Alma 36:10-24, Hel. 5:21-52, and 3 Ne. 19:9-14. Frequently we quote 3 Ne. 9:20 to argue that you can be converted and not know it, but that verse is referring to the story found in Hel. 5. The dissenters clearly knew something had happened to them, but didn't know what it was. There is a footnote on Hel. 5:45 linking to 3 Ne. 9:20. Before the 1981 edition of the Book of Mormon, there was a footnote on 3 Ne. 9:20 linking in the other direction back to Hel. 5:45. Had that footnote remained, perhaps the idea of imperceptible conversion would never have taken hold in the church.
Healing is associated with conversion or spiritual rebirth (among other terms) several times in the scriptures. It appears that the first person to link the two ideas was Isaiah, quoting Jehovah:
"Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed" (Isaiah 6:10).
Jesus quoted or paraphrased this scripture Himself multiple times (see Matt. 13:15, 3 Ne. 9:13, 3 Ne. 18:32, D&C 112:13). John wrote that the people refusing to believe Jesus despite all the miracles He performed was a fulfillment of Isaiah's prophecy (John 12:40). Paul also felt like Isaiah's prophecy was fulfilled during his own ministry (Acts 28:27).
I've read a lot about being spiritually reborn over the last year. It's a topic Mike Stroud (podcasts #8 and #45) and John Pontius (both on his blog and in his books1) have taught about. I was pretty surprised to learn that being converted (aka being spiritually reborn, being baptized by fire, and many other terms) was an event, not a process like I'd been taught much of my life. I did some reading in the scriptures to determine the truth for myself, and learned the idea of conversion being a process is not scriptural!!!2 No wonder Jesus taught "Straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it" (Matt. 7:14, 3 Ne. 14:14, 3 Ne. 27:33), because most members of the church aren't actively seeking a remission of their sins through receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. They either think their sins were remitted at baptism (as if their sins were left behind in the water) or that they received the Holy Ghost when they were confirmed (which rarely is the case). If you don't realize you don't actually have the gift of the Holy Ghost, you probably aren't seeking after it.
In my research online, I've read dozens of stories of normal, everyday members of the church being baptized by fire. It's not just limited to prophets and GAs! Those who have borne testimony of their own spiritual rebirth have given me so much hope that it can and will happen to me too! I look forward to the day when I also can testify that it's possible for average church members to receive this great blessing; to testify that conversion truly is an event, not a process; and to give others hope that it's attainable for them too.
1 As usual, no kickbacks.
2 See Enos, Mosiah 4-5, Alma 36:10-24, Hel. 5:21-52, and 3 Ne. 19:9-14. Frequently we quote 3 Ne. 9:20 to argue that you can be converted and not know it, but that verse is referring to the story found in Hel. 5. The dissenters clearly knew something had happened to them, but didn't know what it was. There is a footnote on Hel. 5:45 linking to 3 Ne. 9:20. Before the 1981 edition of the Book of Mormon, there was a footnote on 3 Ne. 9:20 linking in the other direction back to Hel. 5:45. Had that footnote remained, perhaps the idea of imperceptible conversion would never have taken hold in the church.
Atonement Application Program - Step One: Honesty
Step One: Admit that I am powerless to overcome my weaknesses, flaws and sins.
There seems to be an attitude in the church that we just need to try harder to perfect ourselves, that we can discipline ourselves into perfection. We make lists and goals with the intent of becoming better people. We feel like when Nephi said that "it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do," he meant we have to DO EVERYTHING.... and then hopefully grace will kick in afterwards.
I am a classic example of this. I have been a goal-setting, New Year's resolution-making, checkbox-checking Latter-day Saint my whole life. I like thinking of myself as being a self-reliant, capable person. Unfortunately, that desire to be self-reliant has led to the belief that I could conquer any behavior or sin if I just had enough willpower and self-discipline.
For instance, I’ve tried to discipline myself to be more patient and less easily annoyed. I've never been that successful. I fail over and over. I get frustrated that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. These failures have helped me see that I can't improve myself through discipline, determination and willpower. I need divine help to overcome the natural man. My own efforts can only get me so far.
Frequently we are guilty of trying to make the natural man into a saint instead of crucifying the natural man ("And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts," Galatians 5:24). We're guilty of relying on the arm of flesh to perfect ourselves instead of the Lord. We don't want to see, admit, or recognize just how powerless we are.
It's hard for me to admit I'm powerless. But it's pretty obvious that all my goals, resolutions and checkboxes have yet to turn me into a saint. Self-discipline and willpower have not worked. I've become bound with "flaxen cords" of sin that have become chains I'm unable to break on my own (2 Ne. 26:22).
It takes humility to admit we're powerless. In today's day and age where we worship the "god of self," nobody wants to admit they can't do something. The proud want to rationalize, minimize and cover up their sins. They don't see a reason to repent. Like Moses, I need to be humble and truly understand that I. am. nothing.
"It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed" (Moses 1:10).
Ammon knew the same thing.
"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11–12).
I need to understand:
My own capabilities and wisdom are NOTHING compared to God's.
I can't perfect myself through my own efforts. I can never save myself through "industry" (Alma 4:6), "management" (Alma 30:17), or "genius" (Alma 30:17).
I can’t force myself or exert enough self-discipline to become spiritually-minded instead of carnally-minded.
I can only yield to the Spirit and do what it tells me to do in order to truly change. Only through the Spirit can I become regenerate, and strip off the natural man to become a saint.
I MUST rely "wholly" on Christ. I can't rely on myself or any other mortal. Relying on anyone other than Him, including myself, is damnation.
I can't save myself. Only Christ can.
My works don't merit any type of compensation. Only His do.
I am not worthy of esteem. Only He is.
I am nothing. He is everything.
There seems to be an attitude in the church that we just need to try harder to perfect ourselves, that we can discipline ourselves into perfection. We make lists and goals with the intent of becoming better people. We feel like when Nephi said that "it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do," he meant we have to DO EVERYTHING.... and then hopefully grace will kick in afterwards.
I am a classic example of this. I have been a goal-setting, New Year's resolution-making, checkbox-checking Latter-day Saint my whole life. I like thinking of myself as being a self-reliant, capable person. Unfortunately, that desire to be self-reliant has led to the belief that I could conquer any behavior or sin if I just had enough willpower and self-discipline.
For instance, I’ve tried to discipline myself to be more patient and less easily annoyed. I've never been that successful. I fail over and over. I get frustrated that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. These failures have helped me see that I can't improve myself through discipline, determination and willpower. I need divine help to overcome the natural man. My own efforts can only get me so far.
Frequently we are guilty of trying to make the natural man into a saint instead of crucifying the natural man ("And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts," Galatians 5:24). We're guilty of relying on the arm of flesh to perfect ourselves instead of the Lord. We don't want to see, admit, or recognize just how powerless we are.
It's hard for me to admit I'm powerless. But it's pretty obvious that all my goals, resolutions and checkboxes have yet to turn me into a saint. Self-discipline and willpower have not worked. I've become bound with "flaxen cords" of sin that have become chains I'm unable to break on my own (2 Ne. 26:22).
It takes humility to admit we're powerless. In today's day and age where we worship the "god of self," nobody wants to admit they can't do something. The proud want to rationalize, minimize and cover up their sins. They don't see a reason to repent. Like Moses, I need to be humble and truly understand that I. am. nothing.
"It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed" (Moses 1:10).
Ammon knew the same thing.
"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God. Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11–12).
I need to understand:
My own capabilities and wisdom are NOTHING compared to God's.
I can't perfect myself through my own efforts. I can never save myself through "industry" (Alma 4:6), "management" (Alma 30:17), or "genius" (Alma 30:17).
I can’t force myself or exert enough self-discipline to become spiritually-minded instead of carnally-minded.
I can only yield to the Spirit and do what it tells me to do in order to truly change. Only through the Spirit can I become regenerate, and strip off the natural man to become a saint.
I MUST rely "wholly" on Christ. I can't rely on myself or any other mortal. Relying on anyone other than Him, including myself, is damnation.
I can't save myself. Only Christ can.
My works don't merit any type of compensation. Only His do.
I am not worthy of esteem. Only He is.
I am nothing. He is everything.
Atonement Application Program - Introduction
I've mentioned before that I love attending Addiction Recovery Program meetings. I've heard them referred to as "the best-kept secret in the church" and "the best meetings in the church," and I couldn't agree more.
As I've attended these meetings, I've thought that the twelve principles of the program shouldn't be limited just to the context of addiction. They are principles for everyone. I think the reason why these meetings are so spiritual is because they are all about learning to apply the Savior's atonement in your life. They're about casting off the natural man and becoming a saint. In a sense, you could call it the Atonement Application Program. (Alas, I couldn't think of a better phrase that would give it the same initials of ARP.)
I thought it would be interesting to cover the twelve steps of the Addiction Recovery Program, but framing them in the context of casting off the natural man. Here are the twelve steps:
Step One: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
Step Three: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Step Four: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.
Step Six: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.
Step Seven: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.
Step Eight: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.
Step Nine: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.
Step Ten: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it.
Step Eleven: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.
As I've attended these meetings, I've thought that the twelve principles of the program shouldn't be limited just to the context of addiction. They are principles for everyone. I think the reason why these meetings are so spiritual is because they are all about learning to apply the Savior's atonement in your life. They're about casting off the natural man and becoming a saint. In a sense, you could call it the Atonement Application Program. (Alas, I couldn't think of a better phrase that would give it the same initials of ARP.)
I thought it would be interesting to cover the twelve steps of the Addiction Recovery Program, but framing them in the context of casting off the natural man. Here are the twelve steps:
Step One: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
Step Two: Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
Step Three: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Step Four: Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.
Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.
Step Six: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.
Step Seven: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.
Step Eight: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.
Step Nine: Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.
Step Ten: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it.
Step Eleven: Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do.
I'm Trying to be Like Jesus
I found myself thinking about the Primary song "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" a few weeks ago. In the past, when I've thought what it mean to be like Jesus, I thought in terms of serving others, keeping the commandments, that sort of stuff. But then I realized some new ways of being like Him that put the idea in a completely different perspective.
How about being like Him when your friends betray you?
How about being like Him when you're falsely accused of something?
How about being like Him when you're punished for someone else's mistake?
I decided to read through one of the gospels (Matthew - just because it was the first one) to make a list of what Jesus did and what people did to Jesus.
Things Jesus Did:
How about being like Him when your friends betray you?
How about being like Him when you're falsely accused of something?
How about being like Him when you're punished for someone else's mistake?
I decided to read through one of the gospels (Matthew - just because it was the first one) to make a list of what Jesus did and what people did to Jesus.
Things Jesus Did:
- Was baptized by water and the Holy Ghost
- Fasted
- Preached repentance
- Taught others
- Healed others, even an enemy
- Cast out devils and unclean spirits
- Rebuked the winds and sea
- Forgave sins
- Discerned others’ thoughts
- Raised the dead
- Had compassion for others
- Endured
- Lost His life in service to others
- Refused to defend Himself
- Fed others physically and spiritually
- Prayed in solitude
- Comforted others
- Encouraged others
- Corrected false doctrine
- Quoted scripture
- Offended others
- Performed miracles
- Forgave others
- Showed generosity to others
- Praised Father
- Spoke against the wicked
- Prophesied
- Expressed grief
- Set His mind on things of God
- Suffered injustice
- Paid for others' sins
- Begged Him for help
- Touched Him
- Defended him
- Worshiped Him
- Testified of Him
- Praised Him
- Anointed Him
- Expressed gratitude to Him
- Falsely accused Him
- Tried to use the law to entrap Him
- Called Him the devil
- Questioned His divinity/identity
- Took offense because of Him
- Did not believe in Him
- Betrayed Him
- Abandoned Him
- Denied knowing Him
- Illegally put Him on trial
- Spit on Him
- Punched Him
- Hit Him
- Whipped Him
- Rejected Him
- Laughed at Him
- Jeered at Him
- Hated Him
- Persecuted Him
- Stripped Him
- Ridiculed Him
- Jeered at Him
- Scorned Him
- Taunted Him
- Mocked Him
- Tempted Him
- Insulted Him
- Killed Him
God speaks my love language
A couple weeks ago the question crossed my mind, "is there such a thing as spiritual love languages?" An hour of Googling revealed a handful of posts on the topic in addition to a mention of Gary Chapman's book "The Love Languages of God." I was intrigued.
I have taken the love language test multiple times and Words of Affirmation always comes up #1 for me. This is no surprise. I have hoarded "words of affirmation" since I was young - report cards with nice comments from my teachers, thank you notes with compliments from people I admired, letters of recommendation from high school teachers, emails/instant messages/texts that make me feel loved and special, important letters from friends, yearbook messages, birthday cards with nice messages hand-written inside... you name it, if it has writing on it and it makes me feel loved, I've probably kept it. (Thankfully I'm not quite such a hoarder these days. Mostly I keep cards and digital things.)
However - I had never thought to attribute my feeling unloved by God due to a lack of "words of affirmation" from Him. I realized that I do have some - my patriarchal blessing as well as notes from and transcripts of blessings I've received - and that I reread them often because they help me feel loved! This was a huge realization for me! The three ways I was looking to experience love from God were:
I made this realization at an opportune time - earlier this month I finally started having dialogs during prayer. I've written down and typed up those answers, and when I reread them, I see a lot of words of affirmation! The thoughts in my head as I receive them have no emotion associated with them, but the more I read them, the more they elicit a feeling of love anyway - they are God's words telling me I am His daughter, He loves me, He could never reject me, and He's always been there in my darkest hours, even if I couldn't feel Him. I cherish those words, and can't wait for my dialogs to resume so I can receive even more!
A few nights ago, I put together a playlist I call "Love Songs From God" that has a number of my favorite songs that are either completely sung from His perspective or have a chorus sung from His perspective. I had noticed in the past that some of those songs affected me emotionally - now I know why.
I am so grateful to have finally made these connections. This part of my life has confused and upset me for so long, but now things are finally making sense and are improving!
I have taken the love language test multiple times and Words of Affirmation always comes up #1 for me. This is no surprise. I have hoarded "words of affirmation" since I was young - report cards with nice comments from my teachers, thank you notes with compliments from people I admired, letters of recommendation from high school teachers, emails/instant messages/texts that make me feel loved and special, important letters from friends, yearbook messages, birthday cards with nice messages hand-written inside... you name it, if it has writing on it and it makes me feel loved, I've probably kept it. (Thankfully I'm not quite such a hoarder these days. Mostly I keep cards and digital things.)
However - I had never thought to attribute my feeling unloved by God due to a lack of "words of affirmation" from Him. I realized that I do have some - my patriarchal blessing as well as notes from and transcripts of blessings I've received - and that I reread them often because they help me feel loved! This was a huge realization for me! The three ways I was looking to experience love from God were:
- literal words (a Words of Affirmation expression)
- feeling His presence (a Physical Touch expression - which is my tertiary love language)
- a literal feeling of love (possibly also counts as Physical Touch?)
I made this realization at an opportune time - earlier this month I finally started having dialogs during prayer. I've written down and typed up those answers, and when I reread them, I see a lot of words of affirmation! The thoughts in my head as I receive them have no emotion associated with them, but the more I read them, the more they elicit a feeling of love anyway - they are God's words telling me I am His daughter, He loves me, He could never reject me, and He's always been there in my darkest hours, even if I couldn't feel Him. I cherish those words, and can't wait for my dialogs to resume so I can receive even more!
A few nights ago, I put together a playlist I call "Love Songs From God" that has a number of my favorite songs that are either completely sung from His perspective or have a chorus sung from His perspective. I had noticed in the past that some of those songs affected me emotionally - now I know why.
I am so grateful to have finally made these connections. This part of my life has confused and upset me for so long, but now things are finally making sense and are improving!
The silence is broken
I alluded to this in my last post. I am finally starting to get feedback during prayer. It's not consistent, unfortunately; I've now gone two weeks with nothing. But just having some dialogs with God has been incredibly motivating to me.
Earlier this year I experimented with praying and then clearing my mind and waiting afterward, with the intent of writing down any thoughts that came to mind. I was never successful. A clear mind meant no thoughts, period. I eventually gave up since it didn't seem to "work" for me the way it did for others.
In the past I have (inconsistently) kept a prayer journal, where I type up my prayers instead of just saying them vocally. Sometimes it's easier for me to pour out my thoughts in writing instead of through speech. I haven't done that for many years, but at the end of April I saw someone online saying she writes "love letters" to God, and after she finishes her letter, she writes, "Dear <her name here>," and waits and writes down the response. This appealed to me since the concept was similar to my prayer journal.
So May 1st I tried it out for the first time, writing my letter and then clearing my mind and waiting for a response. And I was surprised to find thoughts coming to mind! I wasn't sure if I was really getting answers or if I was making things up, but I persisted. Twice a day during my prayer time I wrote and then listened. And after almost every prayer, I got at least one or two sentences back. I even had a whole Q&A session with God during my Sunday prayer. I still wasn't 100% sold on these thoughts being real revelation, but the answers I got said to keep practicing and to notice my heart, which definitely felt differently than usual, so I kept at it, figuring if it was real revelation, it would probably get easier with practice.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, the heavens are silent once again, but I continue to try three times a day, figuring at some point the silence will break again, and I will once again be blessed with a real dialog during prayer!
Earlier this year I experimented with praying and then clearing my mind and waiting afterward, with the intent of writing down any thoughts that came to mind. I was never successful. A clear mind meant no thoughts, period. I eventually gave up since it didn't seem to "work" for me the way it did for others.
In the past I have (inconsistently) kept a prayer journal, where I type up my prayers instead of just saying them vocally. Sometimes it's easier for me to pour out my thoughts in writing instead of through speech. I haven't done that for many years, but at the end of April I saw someone online saying she writes "love letters" to God, and after she finishes her letter, she writes, "Dear <her name here>," and waits and writes down the response. This appealed to me since the concept was similar to my prayer journal.
So May 1st I tried it out for the first time, writing my letter and then clearing my mind and waiting for a response. And I was surprised to find thoughts coming to mind! I wasn't sure if I was really getting answers or if I was making things up, but I persisted. Twice a day during my prayer time I wrote and then listened. And after almost every prayer, I got at least one or two sentences back. I even had a whole Q&A session with God during my Sunday prayer. I still wasn't 100% sold on these thoughts being real revelation, but the answers I got said to keep practicing and to notice my heart, which definitely felt differently than usual, so I kept at it, figuring if it was real revelation, it would probably get easier with practice.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, the heavens are silent once again, but I continue to try three times a day, figuring at some point the silence will break again, and I will once again be blessed with a real dialog during prayer!
Feeling spiritually inferior
I have had a bit of a spiritual inferiority complex since waking up last year. I have a lot of acquaintances who are far more spiritually advanced than I am. It is very easy for me to compare my progress to theirs - an unfair comparison because they most likely have been awake and working to progress years longer than I have been. That hasn't been much of a deterrent for me though.
My prayers have recently started becoming dialogues sometimes instead of just monologues. Last week I got this back:
Stop comparing your progress to others. You are an individual with your own plan and path. All experiences are open to all people. Instead of being jealous, you should rejoice, for those experiences are in your future too. They’re something to look forward to.
That was an idea I hadn't thought of before - to rejoice to hear other people's spiritual experiences because it's a taste of what could be in my future. Hearing that ordinary rank-and-file members of the church are having amazing spiritual experiences should be a testimony of the truth that every experience is open to everyone, not just GAs or spiritual giants. Every experience someone else has is one that I (and YOU) could have. And certainly every spiritual experience I have is one that you could have too.
Never alone
I have spent almost all of my life feeling cut off from my
Heavenly Family. Despite my months and years of pleading, I have yet to feel any type of connection. My failure to feel some indication that Someone is listening to my prayers has led to my belief that I’ve been abandoned by
God, that I’m supposed to go through this earth life all alone, that life is a test and Them giving me any indication that They're there would be cheating.
It's hard for me to believe that I can have any type of relationship with Them when I don't feel anything coming from Them. Logically, I know I had a relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Parents in the premortal life, that most likely we were very close. My brain knows it, but my heart doesn't.
In an attempt to get my heart in line with my brain, I've started to imagine and write down what my interactions could have been like with my Heavenly Family, usually but not always in the premortal life. My goal is to get my heart to feel so I can believe.
When my family went through a horrific trial, I prayed for comfort and to feel peace and felt nothing. I felt abandoned and alone. I wondered where God was during this difficult time in my life. Recently I felt like exploring what Jesus had actually been doing during those days I had been begging for comfort. This is what I came up with.
Jesus and I were walking side by side on a path that wound through a lush green park.
“Where were You after <horrific event>?” I asked Him, staring at the ground. “I felt like You’d abandoned our family.”
“Abandon you? Never!” He responded.
He stopped walking, put His hands on my shoulders and forced me to look at Him. “I have never abandoned you. You just couldn’t tell I was there.”
“Were you there at the temple the day after <horrific event>?” I asked, pulling away and starting to walk down the path again.
“Of course,” He said, falling into step with me. “I sat next to you as you waited for your turn to do initiatories. You were crying. You felt like your heart was breaking. You were embarrassed about crying so much. I wanted to hug you and console you but you couldn’t perceive it.
“When it was your turn, you cried through the entire ordinance. I followed you from booth to booth. I couldn’t leave you alone through this. You just couldn’t tell I was there.
“After your second name was finished, you left and asked the woman at the desk if you could go to the celestial room. I walked next to you up the stairs and into the celestial room. You sat under the big stained glass window on the couch. I sat next to you. I put my arm around you but you couldn’t sense it. You cried and cried and wondered why your family was having to go through this. You felt abandoned. But you weren’t. I cried with you the whole time on that couch in the celestial room. I wanted to comfort you but you couldn’t feel it. I wanted you to know I was there but you couldn’t sense it.
“You kept thinking that We had abandoned you. That was the furthest thing from the truth. I was there with you, crying with you. I felt every feeling you felt. I know you thought I’d abandoned you.”
He stopped walking and paused for a second.
“It hurt to know that you didn’t trust that I would always be there with you.”
His eyes were teary as He spoke those words. That made me feel awful. I looked away, my own eyes starting to water.
“I could never abandon you, <my name here>,” He told me. “Not for a single second.
“I tried to talk to you, to tell you everything would be okay, to tell you I was with you, but you couldn’t hear it. You weren’t spiritually sensitive enough to pick up on any of that.”
Shame and guilt welled up in me. I stared at the ground.
“But now you are,” He told me. He lifted my chin to make me look at Him. “And even when you can’t feel Me near, I’m always there.”
The shame and guilt were swept away and replaced by love and gratitude. All I could do was throw my arms around Him and sob into His chest.
“I’m sorry I didn’t trust You.”
He hugged me back and whispered, “You do now, and that’s all that matters to Me.”
Writing it was really cathartic. It seems hard to believe, but I actually don’t feel alone when I think about that experience anymore. I’m starting to believe that I hadn’t been abandoned at that point in my life; I just wasn’t spiritually sensitive enough to feel any heavenly help.
I don’t believe any of my stories are real or that I’m picking up on things from the other side of the veil. But they’re helpful to me because they help me feel and believe I had a connection with Them, and that I can have a connection with Them again in the (hopefully not-too-distant) future.
It's hard for me to believe that I can have any type of relationship with Them when I don't feel anything coming from Them. Logically, I know I had a relationship with Jesus and my Heavenly Parents in the premortal life, that most likely we were very close. My brain knows it, but my heart doesn't.
In an attempt to get my heart in line with my brain, I've started to imagine and write down what my interactions could have been like with my Heavenly Family, usually but not always in the premortal life. My goal is to get my heart to feel so I can believe.
When my family went through a horrific trial, I prayed for comfort and to feel peace and felt nothing. I felt abandoned and alone. I wondered where God was during this difficult time in my life. Recently I felt like exploring what Jesus had actually been doing during those days I had been begging for comfort. This is what I came up with.
Jesus and I were walking side by side on a path that wound through a lush green park.
“Where were You after <horrific event>?” I asked Him, staring at the ground. “I felt like You’d abandoned our family.”
“Abandon you? Never!” He responded.
He stopped walking, put His hands on my shoulders and forced me to look at Him. “I have never abandoned you. You just couldn’t tell I was there.”
“Were you there at the temple the day after <horrific event>?” I asked, pulling away and starting to walk down the path again.
“Of course,” He said, falling into step with me. “I sat next to you as you waited for your turn to do initiatories. You were crying. You felt like your heart was breaking. You were embarrassed about crying so much. I wanted to hug you and console you but you couldn’t perceive it.
“When it was your turn, you cried through the entire ordinance. I followed you from booth to booth. I couldn’t leave you alone through this. You just couldn’t tell I was there.
“After your second name was finished, you left and asked the woman at the desk if you could go to the celestial room. I walked next to you up the stairs and into the celestial room. You sat under the big stained glass window on the couch. I sat next to you. I put my arm around you but you couldn’t sense it. You cried and cried and wondered why your family was having to go through this. You felt abandoned. But you weren’t. I cried with you the whole time on that couch in the celestial room. I wanted to comfort you but you couldn’t feel it. I wanted you to know I was there but you couldn’t sense it.
“You kept thinking that We had abandoned you. That was the furthest thing from the truth. I was there with you, crying with you. I felt every feeling you felt. I know you thought I’d abandoned you.”
He stopped walking and paused for a second.
“It hurt to know that you didn’t trust that I would always be there with you.”
His eyes were teary as He spoke those words. That made me feel awful. I looked away, my own eyes starting to water.
“I could never abandon you, <my name here>,” He told me. “Not for a single second.
“I tried to talk to you, to tell you everything would be okay, to tell you I was with you, but you couldn’t hear it. You weren’t spiritually sensitive enough to pick up on any of that.”
Shame and guilt welled up in me. I stared at the ground.
“But now you are,” He told me. He lifted my chin to make me look at Him. “And even when you can’t feel Me near, I’m always there.”
The shame and guilt were swept away and replaced by love and gratitude. All I could do was throw my arms around Him and sob into His chest.
“I’m sorry I didn’t trust You.”
He hugged me back and whispered, “You do now, and that’s all that matters to Me.”
Writing it was really cathartic. It seems hard to believe, but I actually don’t feel alone when I think about that experience anymore. I’m starting to believe that I hadn’t been abandoned at that point in my life; I just wasn’t spiritually sensitive enough to feel any heavenly help.
I don’t believe any of my stories are real or that I’m picking up on things from the other side of the veil. But they’re helpful to me because they help me feel and believe I had a connection with Them, and that I can have a connection with Them again in the (hopefully not-too-distant) future.
True Confessions: Core Beliefs
Something I learned about recently is core beliefs. These are beliefs that shape the way you see yourself, others and the world. They usually develop from childhood on. Your brain tends to ignore information that contradicts the belief and focus on information that supports the belief, which makes this belief seem completely true to you. However, unless you've taken the time to discover your core beliefs, you probably don't know what they are.
The good/positive core beliefs you have aren't the problem. You want to find the negative ones that are holding you down. You can learn what your core beliefs are by listing a number of situations from your life that provoked a strong emotional reaction in you. Then ask questions like
I did this exercise with as many recent experiences I could think of and was pretty horrified with the results. Here were the three absolute statements that came up the most.
God won’t comfort me.
Why? Because I’ve asked for comfort and haven’t received it.
Why is that bad? Because it shows He doesn’t care about me.
What does that say about Him? God doesn’t love me.
There’s no point asking God questions because I won’t get answers.
Why? Because I’ve asked questions and haven’t gotten a response.
What does that say about me? I’m spiritually deficient.
I can't recognize the Spirit or promptings.
Why is that bad? Because my salvation depends on it.
What does that say about me? My spiritual progression is stuck.
What does that say about me? I’m damned.
1As usual, no kickbacks.
The good/positive core beliefs you have aren't the problem. You want to find the negative ones that are holding you down. You can learn what your core beliefs are by listing a number of situations from your life that provoked a strong emotional reaction in you. Then ask questions like
- "Why?"
- "What does that say about me/others/the world/my life?"
- "Why is that bad?"
- "Why am I upset about this situation?"
- "Why do I think that?"
I did this exercise with as many recent experiences I could think of and was pretty horrified with the results. Here were the three absolute statements that came up the most.
God won’t comfort me.
Why? Because I’ve asked for comfort and haven’t received it.
Why is that bad? Because it shows He doesn’t care about me.
What does that say about Him? God doesn’t love me.
There’s no point asking God questions because I won’t get answers.
Why? Because I’ve asked questions and haven’t gotten a response.
What does that say about me? I’m spiritually deficient.
I can't recognize the Spirit or promptings.
Why is that bad? Because my salvation depends on it.
What does that say about me? My spiritual progression is stuck.
What does that say about me? I’m damned.
I'm kind of incredulous that I got this far spiritually with beliefs like that obscuring my perspective.
The thing is, I know that at least two of these are false. I've felt God's love for me before, so why do I still not believe He does? I am continuing to progress spiritually; so why on earth do I think I'm damned? (Spiritually deficient - well, we'll see about that one. That's a bit harder to disprove.) This seems to be another "mind knows it but heart doesn't" situation.
The next step is to replace those core beliefs with new ones. Not exactly an easy exercise. My new ones are:
God loves me.
I am spiritual enough. (Yeah, that's kind of lame, but I couldn't think of a better antonym for deficient.)
I am making spiritual progress.
Now my task is to change these beliefs. So far I have three ideas on how to do this.
- Over the next few months, write down all of the evidence I can think of from my life that supports these new core beliefs.
- Every time I get upset about something or have a negative thought, analyze what core belief is behind it, and state forcefully an opposite positive belief.
- Use an affirmation app1 to remind myself over the course of the day what my new core beliefs are.
I'm sure I will be hitting up Google for more ideas in the future, but I figure that's a good start.
An anniversary
Last year during the April General Conference weekend, I finally got fed up with my level of spirituality and decided there had to be a higher plane out there somewhere. I wasn't experiencing the kinds of things I felt like I should be experiencing, or feeling the feelings I felt like I should have.
It has been one crazy year.
I would say the biggest difference between me then and me now is the amount of knowledge I've gained. I've learned truths I never would have believed last April. I really feel like last April I was spiritually starving. I was going to church but not being spiritually filled. I didn't know I had to look beyond what was taught at church into the deeper truths of the gospel in order to feel satiated. I had outgrown the milk and needed to seek out the meat on my own.
1 Cor. 3:2 says, "I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able." The Greek word translated "with meat" is defined as "food (literally or figuratively) especially (ceremonial) articles allowed or forbidden by the Jewish law" (see here). You don't want to stay a spiritual baby forever. You need to move on to the higher doctrines, the deeper spiritual truths. That higher level of spiritual nourishment isn't something you'll find at church. You have to seek it out yourself.
It's not without a cost though. Eccl. 1:18 says, "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." (I kind of like the CEV version better: "The more you know, the more you hurt; the more you understand, the more you suffer.") I've increased in knowledge the last year, but I've also increased in sorrow. I'm a little more jaded than I was before. But it's still better, in my opinion, to know truth, despite the cost, rather than stay in ignorance.
I've become a little bit better of a person in the last year. I used to tell white lies to preserve my image and I tell them far less frequently now. I also try to be as honest as possible. I might be a little more patient. I am more positive than I used to be. I am a little more service-oriented. I could be better, but I've improved. I don't turn away beggars anymore (after reading this). I found a cause I'm passionate about and do volunteer work related to that cause, which has been one of the best things in my life.
But I still feel stuck on the same spiritual plane as I was a year ago. I still struggle to recognize promptings. My prayers are still monologues, despite all the effort I've put into improving them. I still don't recognize yes/no answers to questions asked in prayer. Those are the areas I wanted the most to improve in, but it didn't happen. So it's a bit of a bittersweet anniversary for me.
It has been one crazy year.
I would say the biggest difference between me then and me now is the amount of knowledge I've gained. I've learned truths I never would have believed last April. I really feel like last April I was spiritually starving. I was going to church but not being spiritually filled. I didn't know I had to look beyond what was taught at church into the deeper truths of the gospel in order to feel satiated. I had outgrown the milk and needed to seek out the meat on my own.
1 Cor. 3:2 says, "I have fed you with milk, and not with meat: for hitherto ye were not able to bear it, neither yet now are ye able." The Greek word translated "with meat" is defined as "food (literally or figuratively) especially (ceremonial) articles allowed or forbidden by the Jewish law" (see here). You don't want to stay a spiritual baby forever. You need to move on to the higher doctrines, the deeper spiritual truths. That higher level of spiritual nourishment isn't something you'll find at church. You have to seek it out yourself.
It's not without a cost though. Eccl. 1:18 says, "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." (I kind of like the CEV version better: "The more you know, the more you hurt; the more you understand, the more you suffer.") I've increased in knowledge the last year, but I've also increased in sorrow. I'm a little more jaded than I was before. But it's still better, in my opinion, to know truth, despite the cost, rather than stay in ignorance.
I've become a little bit better of a person in the last year. I used to tell white lies to preserve my image and I tell them far less frequently now. I also try to be as honest as possible. I might be a little more patient. I am more positive than I used to be. I am a little more service-oriented. I could be better, but I've improved. I don't turn away beggars anymore (after reading this). I found a cause I'm passionate about and do volunteer work related to that cause, which has been one of the best things in my life.
But I still feel stuck on the same spiritual plane as I was a year ago. I still struggle to recognize promptings. My prayers are still monologues, despite all the effort I've put into improving them. I still don't recognize yes/no answers to questions asked in prayer. Those are the areas I wanted the most to improve in, but it didn't happen. So it's a bit of a bittersweet anniversary for me.
The end is near.... for reals
Have you ever commented that "The end is near," considering it a joke because you didn't think it was actually true? Well, one of the hardest things I learned after my spiritual awakening was that the end really IS near. I thought I had (God willing) many more decades to work toward making my calling and election sure. Then I found out I don't.
I don't have any "proof" that the end-time tribulations are coming. I have yet to see a vision or have a prophetic dream. About the only "proof" I have is that some of the situations described in Isaiah match the state of the world today. But there are plenty of others1 who have gotten a glimpse of what's coming. And what they're saying isn't good news:
The good news is, while we don't have another 40 years left, according to the scriptures we have at least 7. And once those trials and tribulations start, they will work to sort everyone into two categories - the wheat (10% of the world's population according to Isaiah) and the tares (the other 90%). The wheat will become refined by the trials to the point where they have their calling and election made sure. The tares... well, we all know the scriptures about them.
Even so, now is not the time to continue in complacence. What's coming is awful. Probably the worst time in the history of the world. You will only make it by having total trust in the Lord, and by receiving personal revelation - even words straight from the Lord Himself.
Are you ready? I'm certainly not. Start your spiritual preparations while you still can! You may not be celestial material by the time all hell breaks loose, but you want to be spiritually far enough along that you can be refined as the wheat, and not burned as the tares.
1 I get no kickback from that Amazon link.
I don't have any "proof" that the end-time tribulations are coming. I have yet to see a vision or have a prophetic dream. About the only "proof" I have is that some of the situations described in Isaiah match the state of the world today. But there are plenty of others1 who have gotten a glimpse of what's coming. And what they're saying isn't good news:
- massive earthquake in Utah that causes major flooding and damage
- famines that last many years
- foreign occupation coming from both the east and the west coasts
- plague
- nukes
- financial collapse
- living in tent cities
The good news is, while we don't have another 40 years left, according to the scriptures we have at least 7. And once those trials and tribulations start, they will work to sort everyone into two categories - the wheat (10% of the world's population according to Isaiah) and the tares (the other 90%). The wheat will become refined by the trials to the point where they have their calling and election made sure. The tares... well, we all know the scriptures about them.
Even so, now is not the time to continue in complacence. What's coming is awful. Probably the worst time in the history of the world. You will only make it by having total trust in the Lord, and by receiving personal revelation - even words straight from the Lord Himself.
Are you ready? I'm certainly not. Start your spiritual preparations while you still can! You may not be celestial material by the time all hell breaks loose, but you want to be spiritually far enough along that you can be refined as the wheat, and not burned as the tares.
1 I get no kickback from that Amazon link.
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